DERRICK comedy inagurates autumn with two new videos for that ass:
I just bought a big fuck-off jacket with a big fuck-off hood for forty-one dollars.
It is now the thuggest thing I own, besides my half-box of decaffinated green tea and my paperback copy of "The Mother Tongue: English And How It Got That Way" by Bill Bryson.
The mind reels at the sheer enormity of these balls.
In attempting to traverse these balls, many have found themselves stricken with the same existential panic that must have afflicted explorers of old, who, expecting to find the Earth dropping off at the horizon, instead discovered that it stretched onward and onward, the horizon ever evading their grasp. Similarly, these balls evade the grasp of the human imagination. We do not want the human imagination to grasp these balls. If the human imagination wants to touch them gently, though, that’s fine.
These balls dwarf the greatest monuments of man. The Pyramids are a paperweight next to these balls. The Empire State Building is a tiny pin. Normally, we would not want a tiny pin anywhere near these balls, but, being extra-careful, we may place these balls next to the Empire State Building and take a picture when we are drunk, but we hope we remember to delete the picture later.
Like the British Empire of old, the sun never sets on these balls. Sometimes we wish the sun would set on these balls, but since their size renders this an impossibility, we simply apply lots of sunscreen and endure complaints from the neighbors.
These balls beg the question, “Could God create balls so big even He could not lift them?” If He cannot, then His omnipotence is called into question in a paradoxical conundrum which has vexed even the greatest of philosophers. And if He can, surely these balls are the balls He has created, but if he ever tries to lift them, we will go, “Dude, God, what are you doing?” and make a mental note never to fall asleep around God again.
These balls have inspired a reinterpretation of Greek myths: Some scholars now believe that instead of having Earth on his back, the Titan known as Atlas may have held these balls. This has caused some to re-evaluate the title of Ayn Rand’s classic novel of ideas, “Atlas Shrugged,” although no one has ever shrugged in reaction to these balls. Reactions to these balls have included gasping, giggling, and asking us to leave Chili’s.
These balls have, simply by being, and by being so big, reached farther into the known universe than the whole human race has with all its technical ingenuity and natural curiosity. To paraphrase poet John Gillespie Magee, Junior, these balls “have slipped the surly bonds of Earth…and tea-bagged the face of God.” That is why God has made a mental note never to fall asleep around us again.
PROFESSOR J.T. ANDERTHORPE’S ALL-PURPOSE HEART TONIC!
Every schoolboy knows that the heart is the most important organ in the body: It is the home of the immortal soul, the seat of the mind, the producer of bile, the performer of breathing and other lung-like functions, and many reputable doctors now believe that, in its spare time, the heart may have a hand in the pumping of blood.
No wonder, then, that this busy little muscle might run down, like an overtaxed steam engine or the shoes of a hobo.
But the heart-having public must not fear, for Professor J.T. Anderthorpe, world-renowned purveyor of things and a person of some standing in reputable circles, has created an All-Purpose Heart Tonic. The Professor has fused two schools of medical thought: the dark and ancient secrets of the Orient, and the scientific soundness of modern alchemy.
Professor Anderthorpe’s wondrous tonic has been approved for the treatment of all heart-based ailments, including:
Shooting Pains From Behind The Eyeball To Just Below The Gizzard
Hunger Pangs Upon Waking
Pangs Of Guilt Upon Waking One's Roommate
Pangs Of Guilt Upon Walking Past The Homeless
Inexplicable Buzzing Sensation In The Ears
Inexplicable Buzzing Up Of Strangers To A Party
Inexplicable Urge To Grab A Policeman’s Gun
Philosophy Major’s Regret
The Regret That No Doubt Comes In The Half-Second Before You Die And The Mind Becomes A Two-Way Radio To Heaven And The Meaning Of Life Is Revealed To You But It Is Too Late To Do Anything About It
Sudden Shortness Of Breath
Sudden Shortness Of Height
Sudden Drunken Conviction That Everybody At This Party Hates You, Including The Strangers You Buzzed Up
Sudden Drunken Conviction That Everybody At This Party Loves You, Now That You’ve Had More To Drink
Sudden Realization That The Strangers Have Stolen Your DVD Player
Part-Time Waitress' Terror
Terror At The Very Real Prospect Of Burnout By The Age Of Thirty
Terror At Thirty When You’ve Achieved Your Dreams And, Well, Now What?
Terror At The Thought Of Having Children With Someone Who Must Inevitably Have Catastrophic Personality Explosions Buried Deep Within Them Because Lord Knows You Do
Dog Groomer’s Reluctance
Reluctance To Wear A Sweater In Case It Proves To Be Too Warm Outside And You Have To Walk Around Carrying Your Sweater Like A Chump
Reluctance To Commit To A Thought Or An Action Without Apologizing Profusely For Even Being So Bold As To Have A Thought Or Take An Action
Stunt Pilot’s Boldness
Old Person’s Oldness
The Creeping Fear Of Mortality That Accompanies Interactions With The Elderly
The Creeping Guilt Which Accompanies The Creeping Fear Of Mortality That Accompanies Interactions With The Elderly
Lounge Singer’s Accompaniment
Inability To Sleep For The Recommended Eight Hours, Resulting Alternately In The Sleeping Of Four Hours, Twelve Hours, Or No Hours At All
Inability To Tolerate In Others What One So Freely Allows In Oneself
Inability To See The Forest For The Trees
Lumberjack’s Shirt From An Unfortunate Eighth-Grade Flirtation With Plaid Because No Other Clothes Are Clean
American’s Guilt At Complaining When There Is, In The Grand Scheme Of Things, Nothing To Complain About
Netflix Subscriber’s Guilt At Not Sending The Movies Back Fast Enough
Chinaman’s Heart Cancer
For all these ailments and twelve score more, J.T. Anderthorpe’s Heart Tonic Is Just The Thing.
It Keeps The Humors In Balance, The Engine On The Rails, And The Shoes On The Hobo.
Use only as directed.
Life is real.