ham fisted theatrics

The place was technically known as Thompson’s Pass. It woulda been on maps and things, maybe still is. Protected scenic lookout, just off of State Route 8. About eight cars, nine cars could park up there. Nowadays you could probably get ten sedans across parked comfortably with enough room to open their doors and not hit each other, but remember, cars was bigger. Kids called it Lovers’ Lane. Or I guess it was, grown-ups called it Lovers’ Lane when they were talkin' about kids going up there to neck. I don’t know what the kids called it. One time, talkin’ to this kid about this unrelated thing, a vandalism thing, I mentioned it. Lovers’ Lane, I said, and he laughed himself stupid there sitting on the curb. I dunno if it was from hearing a grown-up say it or because they didn’t call it that. I think it’s cause they didn’t call it that. I don’t know what they called it. You know sometimes when you’re a kid you’ll have something and you never say its name out loud and that kinda makes it more special. I think that’s what it was.

Anyways, that was the job. Go up there and break ‘em up and send ‘em home. That wasn’t the whole job, obviously, that wasn’t even one tenth of one Friday night, even in a small town like it was then. Some guys liked pullin’ that detail, liked it way too much and out loud at roll call. Some other guys you could tell hated it, were scared they were gonna run into their daughter or something up there, their wife up there, God forbid. You heard stories. I tried to be real even-keeled about it, like I tried to be about everything, especially early on. You remember when you were real small and the first couple teachers you had, you were pretty sure they were angels? I mean it helps that the girls they get to teach kindergarten and on up is oftentimes young and pretty and they ain’t lost the spark for it yet, but those first few teachers, boy, you thought the sun rose and set at their command, and it wasn’t until you got a real bad teacher, you realized they were all just people, some good, some bad, but even the good ones you’d had were just people, you realized? That’s the kind of cop I wanted to be, the kind from when you first knew what a cop was.

So I didn’t whistle at roll call and I didn’t whistle when we were up there going from car to car, and I didn’t shine my flashlight anyplace I didn’t have cause to, and I didn’t let it linger any longer than absolutely necessary. I’m not just inventin’ things I didn’t do up there, that was pretty much standard for a lot of guys. Kids knew the routine so as soon as you all pulled up they’d start getting themselves together to get outta there, so some guys would either creep up, no lights no sirens, and try to surprise ‘em, or else they would hot-dog in and race outta the car to try to get looks in, have a laugh. Again, this is just what they did.

I was real sure not to do any of that, not to even joke about it in the car on the way up there or the way back, but what I would do, and this is silly, but I always tried to look nice. I mean, I tried to look nice anyway, you wanted to have a certain pride in your appearance as an officer of the law, but this was different, like, get the assignment then take a comb to the squadroom bathroom, wet it, run it through my hair a few times, make sure I didn’t have nothin’ in my teeth.

I want to say…Well, hell, I want to say it wasn’t, and then say a thing that it wasn’t, me doin’ that, because I can’t tell you what it was or why I did it, but the more I think about the reason I thought of that it definitely wasn’t the more I think that’s the thing that it was. And it’s silly. But I think, gosh it’s silly, but I think, and this is not to say I thought I was just going to get to jump in or anything like that, or that that’s even something I wanted, but I think I thought some night, gosh, listen to me…I think I thought some night I was gonna go up there, and I don’t know where my partner is in all of this but for some reason when I think about it it’s just me, and I’m up there, and I don’t sneak in and I don’t come hot-dogging in either, just by the book, so everyone starts takin’ off at their own pace, guys peelin’ out around me, dust flyin’ up, knowin’ I’m really just interested in them getting outta there and I’m not gonna chase ‘em or anything. I see me at that age, in the dark, dust going everywhere and headlights going every which way while everybody hightails it outta there, and my red and blue lights are there too, of course, I had ‘em on like I was supposed to. And there’s one car left and the guy in it, he just jumps out the back window, rolls in the dirt, and starts off down the mountain. I mean, runnin’. And there’s a girl still in there.

I’d kinda have to be in her mind, know what she was like, know that the fella had been giving her no end of trouble, that he was real pushy and mean when it was just him and a defenseless girl but a coward when other men entered into it, know that she wasn’t just… I mean, let’s say we were to do what I think we end up doin', it wouldn’t be something she did all the time, with just anybody. And maybe it isn’t even that we do that. Better that it isn’t. Better we just talk, Evenin’ miss, Evenin’ officer, You alright? That kind of thing. But it ain’t the standard chat, it’s special. It ain’t indecent, but it’s special. No matter what we end up doing or not doing, it ain’t indecent, even if it is. You know what I mean?

Anyway, the whole thing’s ridiculous, and even the parts of it are ridiculous. The guy jumpin’ out of the car. It’s probably his car! His or his fathers or his buddy’s. He ain’t leavin’. And there wasn’t a kid up there who hadn’t been there before, or hadn’t had an older brother or something tell ‘em how it went, so they knew we were just gonna send ‘em on home. The guy just plain chickenshit and the girl happy he’s gone, happy to see me. Not on your life. But I think that’s what it was.