August 27, 2010

The ceilings up here at his house were way up there, and the chairs up here at his house were very low to the ground. Looking at the house from the outside that first time, she would have guessed that inside of it, she would have felt tiny, or something, but since all the furniture was extra-low inside an extra-large space, you didn’t get that effect. Where she’d come from, her old boyfriend’s place, the furniture was normal-sized and the ceilings were low and the rooms were tiny. Both places made you feel ill-proportioned. Down there, in the apartment, she’d felt big. Not a giant, like, physically imposing. Just like a fat version of a normal person. It was easy to feel gross there. It had had the open-air-market feel of a place where multiple people and pets lived and they kept the windows open a lot and it always smelled like coffee or like cat food, and all the surfaces had visible crumbs or visible hairs on them, and all the plates in the sink had those little burnt-bubble cheese remnants that indicated someone had eaten something microwavable and bad for you.

Up here, well away from that, because the ceilings were so high but the furniture was also low, you felt awkward, but in a way where you knew as soon as you got used to that feeling, it would mean you were a new, better version of yourself.




So far they’d been having sex at odd times. For instance, ten in the morning, four times right in a row, and then not at all for days and days. The way intensity and boredom refused to be rhythmic was very off-putting, and very dissatisfying, but it was a nice kind of dissatisfaction. It was the kind that made you wonder if there was something wrong with you instead of the kind that made you wonder what was wrong with the other person, and then subsequently, why you weren’t more tolerant of this thing you were sure was wrong with this other person. It was romantic, in the way she was pretty sure that word could mean “adventurous” instead of what we had come to think of as romantic, like, "love."




Where is all this money coming from, she wondered one time about everyone around her and everyone she’d met since coming up here, before scolding herself that absolutely no one around her and no one she’d met thought that, ever, and that mutual refusal to think it or speak it aloud is probably what created the effect, and the effect just managed to become reality. She hated herself for violating the code they never spoke aloud regarding the thing they never thought about, and from then on, whenever she thought something she wished she hadn’t, she would try to hear it in her head in HIS voice, the old boyfriend with the average-sized apartment, which in her memory was warm but not in a cozy way and full of flies and street noise and was basically entirely too life-y, in the sense that real life, really real life, was too imperfect, and in it, you were always tired and annoyed at everyone, and you were just too IN IT, basically. Conversations never went how you thought they would go or ended when they should. In life-life, no one seemed to know how to close a door the right way or when it was the right time to do so.

She would try to hear things the old her (the her she was before she came up here) might have thought in his voice. Then, in her head, in what she hoped was her new voice, without any Kansas in it, she would tell him to shut the fuck up.




There’d been maybe two parties at the house in the time she’d been up here and they’d been to lots more. There was one night at one party where, by the end of it, she knew she’d talked a lot, because though she was drunk, she remembered saying certain things, and her voice was raw and she hadn’t even been smoking or shouting over the music that much, but as she thought back on all the stuff she said, she was pretty sure she had gone the entire evening without making a statement or asking a question.




She thought about him, down there, thinking about how she probably never thought about him, and she thought about how, except for this thought that she was having at this moment, he was right.

She thought about how little he knew about where she was or who she was with, but she knew that he knew enough to extrapolate, and knew that if he knew how close what she imagined him extrapolating was to how it actually was and who she was actually with and what she was actually doing, he would kill himself. Or rather, he would think about killing himself, at various times, with varying degrees of intensity, in between doing normal stuff like feeding the cats or putting DVDs that had been left out, shiny side up, on the coffee table, back into their cases. He would never actually do it. If she was honest with herself, that was kind of his main problem, was that he would just keep living, no poetry to it at all. She knew she was supposed to think there was nothing really wrong with that, the default position of just being alive in the actual world, the basic nobility of just being around. She knew if you tried to articulate to most people just what it was that was so distasteful about it, about him, and her sense of relief about being away from it all, they would think you were shallow. She knew she wasn’t shallow. It really was not about purses or clothes or even about him, and here by “him” she meant the new guy with the high-ceilinged house. It was about actually living the kind of life she had always had to believe existed somewhere, for someone, or else she could not understand anyone wanting to exist at all.




There was a Monday where she fully forgot it was a Monday until she saw a school bus dropping kids off at 3:30 in the afternoon when they were parked outside of his friend’s art-space in the barrio waiting for his friend to come outside with a sack full of sunglasses.

She had been sitting in the passenger seat of his convertible. He was in the driver’s seat. When she remembered it years later, they would be sitting on two separate motorcycles.

Posted by DC at August 27, 2010 01:05 AM
Comments

Lucantum buy viagra for Angliatya

Posted by: Jopa

Egalana

Posted by: Cheap medications

Sarentias

Posted by: Online Drugstore

Austrias

Posted by: Cheap pharmacy

Anon

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Helvevius

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Cyprysias

Posted by: Cheap pharmacy

Florinur

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Helvevius

Posted by: Online Drugstore

Ibacor

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Zeelinya

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Afrorcul

Posted by: Cheap medications

Arcartum

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Malarnius

Posted by: Online Drugstore

Asasium

Posted by: Cheap pharmacy

Bolevur

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Helvevius

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Cesasana

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Corundova

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Engica

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Antasium

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Senzada

Posted by: Cheap pharmacy

Amya

Posted by: Cheap medications

Spararnica

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Spararnica

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Afrarctur

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Cesasana

Posted by: Cheap medications

Marsetea

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Perentium

Posted by: Cheap pharmacy

Egureos

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Malarnius

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Antaea

Posted by: Online Drugstore

Anavica

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Malarnius

Posted by: Online Drugstore

Afrorcul

Posted by: Online Drugstore

Estya

Posted by: Online Drugstore

Caspuarana

Posted by: Cheap pharmacy

Agesul

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Florisana

Posted by: Cheap pharmacy

Malarnius

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Zeelinya

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Casparctica

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Pelicea

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Agryrur

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Escadon

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Chinianona

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Afrarctur

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Sarilias

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Tasmopini

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Majycova

Posted by: Online Drugstore

Spararnica

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Ebea

Posted by: Cheap medications

Escadon

Posted by: Cheap medications

Egalana

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Egon

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Casparctica

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Eularnya

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Mallanea

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Agesul

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Florygea

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Pelicea

Posted by: Cheap medications

Itonur

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Anuanion

Posted by: Cheap medications

Casparctica

Posted by: Cheap pharmacy

Egalana

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Estantini

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Ibacor

Posted by: Cheap medications

Danorcaea

Posted by: Cheap pharmacy

Sarentias

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Actana

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Mallanea

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Egureos

Posted by: Cheap pharmacy

Cesasana

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Corundova

Posted by: Online Drugstore

Egianini

Posted by: Cheap medications

Engica

Posted by: Online Drugstore

Egalana

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Asasium

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Antasium

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Dalosium

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Ibanius

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Afrorcul

Posted by: Cheap pharmacy

Eura

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Antuanus

Posted by: Cheap pharmacy

Egianini

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Anglartini

Posted by: Cheap medications

Escadon

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Egon

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Cathiteos

Posted by: Online Drugstore

Rhodyrion

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Mallorca

Posted by: Cheap medications

Sarentias

Posted by: Online Drugstore

Egalana

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Tasmopini

Posted by: Cheap medications

Indarcia

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Anuanion

Posted by: Online Drugstore

Rhodyrion

Posted by: Cheap pharmacy

Actetium

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Chinianona

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Ibanius

Posted by: Cheap pharmacy

Corundova

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Ugentur

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Marsasion

Posted by: Online Drugstore

Anuanion

Posted by: Cheap pharmacy

Dalosium

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Peragium

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Amagand

Posted by: Cheap pharmacy

Actene

Posted by: Cheap pharmacy

Agus

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Helvygul

Posted by: Online Drugstore

Terrarius

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Dalinaia

Posted by: Cheap medications

Atlas

Posted by: Cheap medications

Asini

Posted by: Cheap medications

Ugasur

Posted by: Cheap medications

Atlas

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Arcyrul

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Norarcor

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Norarcor

Posted by: Cheap medications

Ceylennaea

Posted by: Cheap medications

Amagand

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Brundontica

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Ibus

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Pelatraia

Posted by: Online Drugstore

Arcaia

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Agrarcteos

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Engarcea

Posted by: Online Drugstore

Terrilica

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Sibarcteos

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Albardaea

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Japarctova

Posted by: Cheap pharmacy

Ugus

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Indonya

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Rhodanthya

Posted by: Cheap pharmacy

Pelatraia

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Agetor

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Pelatraia

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Malleraia

Posted by: Cheap medications

Arcor

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Agadaea

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Pontasor

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Egatrias

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Rhodaga

Posted by: Cheap pharmacy

Eurova

Posted by: Cheap medications

Peragium

Posted by: Cheap medications

Eurova

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Parannur

Posted by: Cheap medications

Escynium

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Rhodasor

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Anglitur

Posted by: Cheap medications

Minila

Posted by: Online pharmacy

Egatrias

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Itiba

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Erasul

Posted by: Online prescriptions

Albantium

Posted by: Online Drugstore

Lithentya

Posted by: Online Drugstore

Amum

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Lithentya

Posted by: Cheap drugstore

Byzycus

Posted by: Online Drugstore

Asaia

Posted by: Online Drugstore

Thuaras

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Euralor

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Arcacul

Posted by: Cheap drugs

Eupheos

Posted by: Online Drugstore
Post a comment









Remember personal info?