October 14, 2009

Early Sunday morning, Dominic and I are in the Jacksonville airport, on our way to Iowa by way of Chicago. Larry King is on the televisions at the gate. One of his guests is Judge Judy. The sound is cutting in and out. Sentence fragments are sneaking through. I hear Judge Judgy say the words “went home to Libya to die.”

Next up, Larry is discussing a case where a woman was kidnapped and killed even though three different 911 calls were made, including one from the victim herself on the assailant’s cellphone, and one from some people in a car next to the one she was imprisoned in, before she was ultimately murdered. Larry tells us to come back after the break and we’ll determine “who goofed.” After the break, he interviews the victim’s husband, who is now campaigning for 911 reform. If my wife had been killed in this manner, I would have a hard time campaigning for 911 reform. I would probably spend the rest of my life campaigning against extraneous use of the word “frustration,” as every use of it to describe anything that wasn’t how I felt about how my wife’s murder would desensitize people to the word, and then when I described to them how I felt about the string of failures that led to my wife’s murder, the frustration of it, they couldn’t begin to understand.

Later, the first flight is taking off. It’s dawn, and the sun through strips of cloud make Jacksonville a purplish, light-streaked archipelago.

At the Chicago airport, I stop in front of a Chicago-style hot dog stand and wonder whether it’s to early to have a Chicago-style hot dog. I determine that in my countless cross-country jaunts I have been loosed from any and all time zones, that I am now a citizen of an atemporal Wild West where I eat what I want and I sleep when I can. I then fully punish a Chicago-style hot dog, with the little pepper and everything.

We end up having a heck of a layover in Chicago. I stake out a row of chairs at our gate that are unbroken-up by armrests, thinking I will sleep a while. Though I can lay horizontally, the butt-groove of each individual seat makes this very uncomfortable. It is not the little oasis I thought it would be. I go over to a patch of carpet by the window and stretch out, using my backpack to shield my eyes from the sun and a sweater as a pillow. I fall into actual sleep, with dreams and everything. When I wake up I’m freezing. I try to walk it off. I stop at an airport shop and briefly consider buying a neck pillow. Then I realize our flight to Des Moines has been boarding for a while. We get on.

Our captain comes on the loudspeaker pre-flight, and his Latin accent can make anything sexy, including the phrase “I will take you to Des Moines as quickly and safely as possible.” It sounds like a promise from an illicit Flamenco lover-man. “Once there, I will disassemble you and make each part of you orgasm individually, but ONLY!…once we are safe in Des Moines.”

The car rental employee in Des Moines is almost disconcertingly helpful. He is a tall, corn-fed Iowa white person, and part of the reason his overt friendliness is off-putting is because when he has to describe liability insurance I can’t help but think of, y’know, mangled steel and death and stuff, and it is weird when you are thinking of that stuff and the person making you think of that stuff seems like he should be shooting an early basketball into a peach basket, or running down to the enlistment office even though, why, he’d barely even HEARD of Hawaii until this morning!

We go to the Apple Store at the Des Moines mall because we need an external hard drive, and overt friendliness starts to become a theme. For you see: moms run the Des Moines Apple Store. Like, MOMS. The positions that, at an Apple Store in New York or Los Angeles, would be filled by dudes with chunky glasses and wicked beards and glorious tattooed nerd-girls who set my heart alight, are in this mall filled by no-fooling honest-to-goodness Midwestern moms in their forties and fifties. Dominic comments that it is a good thing we know what we are looking for. He’s not wrong. While they do give off that enveloping mom-warmth (and maybe, maybe, the faint smell of a pie baking somewhere) they don’t exactly radiate computer knowledge. And that’s probably age-ist and sexist and a couple of those moms probably could have made my head spin with their copious Mac wisdom, given the chance. But we’re talking about feeling, here. And it felt like they wanted to sell us candles.

When our GPS does not know exactly which way to go, it says it is “Awaiting Better Accuracy.” I think I want my 25th birthday party to be called that.

We arrive in Ames. We check into our hotel, which is actually built in to the Iowa State student union. Up in the room, it is naptime. NFL football is on the TV. Howie describes a player as having “great explosion.”

That night, looking for food, we drive in all of Ames’ cardinal directions, inventory all of its lighted signs. One by one they start winking out. I drive north, where there is a mall. It’s joined to the city by a quiet strip of larger houses. When we get there, everything’s closed. We have the windows down. The smell here is amazing, loamy and crisp and autumn-y even though the air is still warm. At a certain point I realize I’m in the wrong lane, so to compensate, I run a red light. Steal big, steal little.

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