July 11, 2009

On Thursday we are taking some publicity stills for “Mystery Team” which means we all have to get haircuts. The haircuts Dominic and I have in the movie are particularly stupid. His is nearly a crew cut, with a very high, very severe, and seemingly random hairline in the back. Mine is a bowl cut, the haircut popularized by seven-year-olds and monks. We have now gotten these haircuts at every level of salon. We initially got them at this little boutique hair place before the shoot last May in Manchester, New Hampshire. We went back to New Hampshire to do some still photography in costume a month or two ago, and we got The Haircuts again at a salon at the mall. Now we are getting them at a salon at a mall Beverly Hills. It is a nicer one than the one in New Hampshire. You can tell because the people are generally thinner and the techno is louder.

My stylist is a very nice guy named Dave. He immediately understands what is going on: I need a stupid haircut for a movie. Dan shows him a still from the movie on his laptop and Dav sets to work. First he washes my hair. A bracelet he is wearing racks my right ear several times, but that’s okay. Then he brings me to a chair in front of a mirror and starts to work. Like I said, we got The Haircuts a few months ago, so the bowl cut fundamentals are still there, buried underneath a little bit of growth. But bringing out the old bowl cut isn’t enough for Dave. He is meticulous. Dan has emphasized symmetry, and Dave has taken this to heart. He really seems to be enjoying it, like an actor who is known for being reserved and subtle and you’ve given them a part that allows them to ham it up and be awful. Dave is giving a really great bad haircut.

I ask him, after the shoot is over, if I come back, can he make me look human again? “Absolutely,” he says. I end up taking his card. He recommends a hair product to me to address a dandruff issue that I have. I tell him maybe next time, because today I will be paying with a company card. “Let the company pay for it!” he says, “You don’t want those flakes on set!” I can’t emphasize how lucky I feel to have the kind of life where I get to hear things like that said in earnest.

You haven’t been a douchebag until you’ve gotten a bowlcut at a Beverly Hills salon while talking business with a guy you keep referring to as “your director.” The douchiness with which your are comporting yourself and the blatant unhip stupidity of the haircut you are getting will cause other stylist’s eyes to bleed when they look over and see you. The salon is full of mirrors so soon everyone’s eyes are bleeding.

Having just gotten, having just asked for a haircut Dave refers to as “The Chili Bowl” makes it extremely hard to flirt with the girl at the counter while I pay for my haircut. It is even harder when she says something like “and here’s the dandruff product Dave recommended.” I pay for it separately with my own money. I tell her the haircut is for a movie. She will probably go home and tell her boyfriend to quit writing that screenplay he’s been working on because they are already shooting a movie about a well-meaning twenty-something retarded boy.


TV screens all around the mall play a sizzle reel for Ed Hardy clothing on a loop. In it, the guy who designs Ed Hardy clothing, who’s name isn’t Ed Hardy and is something French, poses with various celebrities who are wearing his clothes. He jumps up in the air in front of a wall covered in Ed Hardy hats. He wears sunglasses while driving an expensive sportscar in circles in the desert, kicking up dust. It is like “Triumph Of The Will” if “Triumph Of The Will” had been advertising a line of apparel favored by date-rapists.


Later, we are all getting dressed in our movie costumes. In Donald's costume shoes Meggie finds three Polaroids. Two of them have writing on the bottom. One of them says "Hola, Barcelona!" and the other one says "Goodbye, Barcelona!" From this we can glean that whoever took these pictures took a trip to Barcelona and during the trip they decided they hated Spanish.

We get dinner at a place where if you order a Vanilla Coke or a Cherry Coke they will actually create the drink by adding the flavor to it right there in the kitchen. You need to order this every time you are given the opportunity to if you hope to live a full life. I’m having a hard time deciding whether I want Cherry or Vanilla. I am initially favoring Vanilla but I end up ordering Cherry because Cherry means you get an actual cherry in your drink. Vanilla, you don’t get shit.


If you are doodling on your paper place-mat, don’t draw one of the waitresses who is working in the restaurant at the time. Even if she’s not your waitress. Because the restaurant might be full and crowded and she might end up bringing your food over because your server is taking care of somebody else. And then you’ll consider covering that part of the place-mat with your hand but then you’ll realize that exactly where she’s going to want to put your food and her attention will be right on your hand when you move it, revealing the (pretty generous, you are realizing) depiction of her. So you will fold up your place-mat quickly, fixing things. Then she will curtly put your food down without saying anything to anybody at the table or smiling, and you will think, maybe she’s mean. Maybe she didn’t deserve to be drawn. Or maybe she’s just having a bad night. The question will plague you on your walk out to the valet stand. Better to avoid it all together and stick to drawing robots and your name in cool letters.

Posted by DC at July 11, 2009 11:14 PM
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