July 08, 2009

On Monday morning I have a follow-up ear-nose-and-throat doctors’ appointment but I am thinking about calling in and rescheduling because we were up working until six in the morning. I wake up and call in an hour and a half before my appointment and I’m told I can’t reschedule if I want to have my appointment before like three weeks from now because the doctor is about to go on vacation. Or I can come in today, just later. I opt for that. But it won’t really buy me that much time because before I can go to the doctor’s office, I have to get car insurance.

When I bought my car I got temporary 21-day you-can-leave-the-lot insurance and before driving to Arizona I realized that insurance had just lapsed, so Dominic was nice enough to drive. Car insurance is probably the sort of thing you should shop around for and make a good decision and stuff, or so I have been told, not really the sort of thing you should try to do as fast as possible because you have to be somewhere at 2:15. But I have to be somewhere at 2:15. So I go to Geico’s website and I muddle through.

The genius of Geico is they know we are lazy. If we hear their name enough times in close proximity to the words “car insurance,” when it comes time to perform the unenviable task of insuring a car, we will opt for something that seems safe and likely to deliver us to the other side of the whole headachey process as soon as possible without having been screwed too too bad. That’s what I do. I have to call and make sure the coverage will start immediately, and the fella hooks me up. I drive out of our parking garage with plenty of time to get to my appointment in a car that is legally allowed to be on the road because if it hits you you will get paid.

When I’m driving, mostly I try to let people in. Sometimes I go out of my way to let people in. This is probably as artery-clogging for the overall traffic system as slowing down to gawk at an accident, and I must be miserable to drive behind, but I’m trying to work up some road karma. I figure I will need it, as I will make enough bonehead moves that will make other drivers think I’m an aggressive asshole when really I’m just a moron, and I want them to forgive me and go easy with their horns and gestures.


Driving down Wilshire I look up and on the side of a building they are replacing a gargantuan Tranformers 2 advertisement with a gargantuan GI Joe advertisement. This is not immediately obvious because they have more or less the same color scheme, but if you look closely you can see one strip of Cobra Commander going right down the center of Optimus Prime. This summer is what would happen if the tissue used to make the first cyborg happened to be the nostalgic part of the brain of a boy who was born in 1983, and the cyborg then hacked into the National Treasury and stole about a billion dollars. Financing this summer of movies is how he would spend that money. He would look up at that Neopolitan billboard and go “YES! YES! YES!”


In the neighborhood around the doctor’s office there are tons of banners touting Good Samartian hospital being declared something like one of the top 50 hospitals with a phrase I really like: “GOOD IS BEST.”


In the waiting room, an old woman is talking to the younger woman accompanying her, and she’s talking way too loud but it’s not at all unpleasant. They have somehow gotten on the subject of the brain and music. The old woman is telling stories of people who lost almost all brain function but yet were still able to sit down at the piano and bang out complicated tunes. “The human mind is capable of everything,” she says, “We just haven’t gotten in trained yet.” When the nurse comes out, she has to call the woman’s name twice, and the woman doesn’t notice until her companion tells her it’s her turn.

“See,” the woman yells at the nurse, “I can’t hear you!”

“Well you’re in the right place,” says the nurse.


My nurses’ name is Clemence, a top-shelf nurse name. The doctor is nice and understanding when I tell her about breaking my weeklong silence vow to go shoot a commercial. She puts a scope down my throat again and we part ways not knowing a whole lot more than she did before but she does give me a prescription for acid reflux medication so we’ll give that a try.


I am starving and a guy is selling cut-up fresh fruit at a little stand in front of the parking garage. He cuts the fruit up in front of you and throws some cucumber on there. The cucumber takes it over the top: this is fruits AND vegetables. As I watch him squeeze a tiny lemon with a special tiny-lemon-squeezing instrument, and then sprinkle salt and cayenne pepper over the whole deal, I think, man! Getting car insurance, going to the doctor, and eating fruits and vegetables without having to be told to: how much more adult can one guy get? On the way back to my apartment with my underwear-strewn bedroom inside of it I consider maybe growing a moustache and applying for a fixed-rate mortgage and needing jokes explained to me several times until they’re no longer funny.


Later at Starbucks I see the shady maybe-homeless guy who's always in there with a full desktop computer take out a little plastic canister and start breaking up weed onto a newspaper he has laid across his lap. I am pretty scandalized by this until I remember about medical marijuana and decriminalization. Then I am happy for him and a little disappointed in myself for being so square. California is a hard idea to fit in your head.

Posted by DC at July 8, 2009 04:57 AM
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Hahahaha! Delightful! I had the same Geico experience and hated myself for the same realizations.

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