The sun is setting and I decide I have to drive somewhere for the practice, so I go to a Ralph’s, a different one than we went to the other night. Parking isn’t as nightmarish because there’s an underground parking garage and the interior’s a lot less cramped. I have a really hard time getting one of those plastic tear-off fruit-bags open in the produce section, and I feel very awkward and certain everyone in the store will know me as an impostor, because I’m from New York and I never really shopped for groceries in a grocery store that much when I lived there. It would be nice to say I went from the butcher to the baker to the cheese shop like a well-fed-yet-lithe European person, but I actually just mostly ate street food and drank beers from the bodega for six years. The guy behind me in line for self-check-out drops a bottled beer from a six-pack in his shopping basket and it shatters, dousing the guy behind him’s sandaled foot in whatever kind of beer has a tortoise on the label.
I get a charge from seeing my car in the parking lot and thinking “that’s my car!” The last time I regularly drove I drove a 1983 Ford F-150 so in terms of handling, driving this car is like driving a modern car after only ever driving a car-shaped rock formation. What you no doubt take for granted if you drive, like brakes that work, or side-view mirrors that don’t vibrate themselves down into an un-usable angle after you’ve driven a few blocks, are new to me. It is fresh and novel to be small.
We drive around looking for a place for dinner. On Sunset, a big busy steak restaurant/sports bar has nine or ten plasma screen TVs mounted on its exterior, and all of them are playing a promotional reel for the band Three Doors Down. Right next to the place we end up eating there has been a drunk-driving accident clusterfuck, and a guy is being put into a Sheriff’s Dept. car in handcuffs. The symbol of the city of West Hollywood on the side of the Sheriff’s vehicle looks like a rainbow Periodic Table Of Elements.
Dan is iPhone-researching places as we drive by them. It’s a little like being psychic, if all your psychic gift ever told you about anything was “Mediocre Food, Great People-watching!” A lot of places are closed. We end up at a kind-of fancy place Donald and Dan had been to before. There’s a live jazz combo of older guys with ponytails who, if we saw them on the street and I told you they were Steely Dan, you would believe me. Fabio turns around when some girls standing near the jazz combo start dancing and squealing. Fabio is at this restaurant.
Everybody else has ordered a steak and I ordered fish, which means that when our waiter comes by with a wooden cigar box and opens it up and presents us all with intimidating knives, I’m not allowed to have one. If there would have been an asterisk next to the steak dishes on the menu and if when I had looked down the page to see what the asterisk meant it had said “*- Comes With Cool Fuck-Off Knife From Classy Wooden Cigar Box,” I would have ordered steak.
The jazz combo finishes their set and the restaurant's music comes up, and it’s all amazing. Selections include “I Can’t Wait” by Nu Shooz and “Never Too Much” by Luther Vandross. The songs we don’t know, Donald uses an iPhone app that can identify songs. I think iPhones are enhancing our lives, but if you told me it was the other way around and we were accessories that enhance the lives of tiny immobile capsule-beings called iPhones by carrying them around everywhere and helping them gather information, I would not be surprised.
After dinner, there is valet confusion. This restaurant’s valet has closed down and we are told by a sign we can get our car from another valet down in the parking garage. We go down into the too-well-lit-for-a-parking-garage parking garage and the guy there tells us we have to get our car upstairs. We tell him there’s no one there. He tells us to wait. While we do so, a flock of drunk girls dressed for a night out on Mars pours out of the elevator, and along with their male companions, they walk among and basically through us as we stand there, like we’re ghosts, or worse, people who have never been in a teen drama on The CW, on their way to their various luxury vehicles. As he passes us, one of the guys, who looks like either an extra from “Hook” or what your mom would get you when you told her you absolutely had to have a Jonas Brother and she would insist this was just as good and you would say Mom, you just don’t get it, it’s not the same, this guy gives us the dismissive up-and-down. I am overwhelmed by the urge to say one of my insults to him, probably the Hook one because it’s more concise, and then when he turns around wanting to fight me, yell “Keep walkin’, ese, you don’t want it like I got it.” This phrase appears fully formed in my head out of nowhere.
Later we go to a birthday party, and see lots of UCB LA-transplant friends. We are there at precisely last call, and we catch up with our friends in the parking lot while a jovial Korean bar employee keeps saying, “Let’s just go around the corner! We can be as loud as we want over there!” like he is going to come with us and participate in our conversations.
On the drive home we listen to a radio station that is playing only doo-wop and Phil Spector songs. It is music that pretty much demands you be driving fast through a lot of neon at the end of an evening, and we are, so it works out.
"driving this car is like driving a modern car after only ever driving a car-shaped rock formation."
that is perfect, bahahaha! i hadn't thought about the F-150 in awhile.
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