I am trying to think of a classier way to say this but the most succinct and accurate way I can think to put it is THE WEATHER SUXX. It has been completely overcast every day since we’ve been here. The nice weather is supposed to be a consolation prize for the place’s other headaches and right now there is no consolation prize.
A couple of guys in their fifties board the elevator in our lobby ahead of us. One of them is diminutive and British with spiky blonde hair. “This is the worst fucking place I’ve ever lived,” he says to his friend about the building. “It’s the fucking people.” He says America at least once with total disdain. His friend says, well, yes, but he choses to live here. In this tone and accent, you do not want the British guy to be shitting on your building and country. You want him to be refusing to go on stage at Live Aid. The unpleasantness is exacerbated by the elevator being lined with smelly moving blankets.
At the Starbucks a few blocks from our place: a rough-looking dude works on a full desktop computer with no cover, so its guts and inner workings are exposed there on the table. He uses his right knee as a mousepad. It reminds me of the Improv Everywhere Mobile Desktop mission, featuring Mystery Team’s Aubrey Plaza and Neil Casey. Also in Starbucks: a guy who looks like a roided-out Frankie Valli who looks like he is Frankie Valli's current age. He was here yesterday.
A meeting ends in a flurry of business cards. Eric says on Sunset Boulevard there used to be a business-card vending machine where you could get them made up if you didn’t have them. He remembers it being inside a car wash.
Walking near our apartment I see a pretty brown-haired girl pruning some flowers that are overhanging her balcony after watering them with a large water bottle with the label torn off.
We got asked to present an award at The Campus Movie Festival. The ceremony is being held on the Paramount lot, and before the event, we’re sitting in the green room around a U-shaped conference room table studded with microphones, tiny black buttons in the middle of the table. A woman is telling me about the building she lives in near here, an apartment building Paramount had built for starlets they had under contract in the Golden Age of the studio system. She describes all the art-deco amenities. I ask her if there are any starlet ghosts. She says no, but the top floor of the building has a “weird energy.” She says she loves her place but recommends driving around in a three-block radius of any place you plan on moving into in Los Angeles, because if she’d done that she never would have moved there, it’s kind of a bad neighborhood. Gang members from a gang called MS-13 tag her building at night.
The Campus Movie Festival is kind of a neat thing and we are probably in no way famous enough to be presenters (Some of the other presenters include James Cromwell and Patton Oswalt, who we listened to religiously on the drive out here.) But it’s a neat honor.
In the bathroom at Paramount there are plaques above the urinals with a blurb about how much water the technically advanced urinals save in a year. The plaque above the urinal I’m using is also perfectly positioned to reflect my penis back to me. I wonder if it’s just me, if I’m exactly the right proportions to make this the case, or if it’s like this for every man, there’s some sort of Golden Ratio of plaque and eyes and man-business. If I were a Greek philosopher, I would delegate this quandary to my intern.
After the ceremony, we drive back to our place through Hollywood on a Friday night. It is fucking insane, a whirling neon traffic nightmare. People are making mid-busy-street U-turns just for the entertainment value. We make the mistake of pulling into the In-N-Out parking lot, which is so slammed I’m almost sure that Jesus and Buddha are inside, having a freewheeling roundtable discussion on contentment, enlightenment, and what happens at the end of LOST. Then we drive home and all around us it’s like “American Graffiti” if every character in “American Graffiti” were named Nicole and they were all on pills and believed everyone was trying to fuck them all the time, because you know what, they were.
In high school my most-read website was Ain't It Cool News and my favorite critic on that website was a guy who went by the handle Moriarty. Now said guy, Drew McWeeny, runs an excellent movie blog called Motion Captured over at HitFix. He asked DERRICK to write a little thing about a summer movie we love. We chose "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" You can read it here (we're towards the bottom).
um, i completely LOVE the paramount lot. there is so much to do on it. the dreamworks lot is really cool too.
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