June 12, 2009

The evening of our first night in LA Dan and Dominic and I are standing on the balcony drinking beer and we watch a cab pull up in front of the apartment building across the street from us and five dudes who look like they are in a band that is both heavily influenced by The Killers and not very good get out and before they can get inside the building a car full of dressed-up girls pulls up and shouts to one of the guys asking where they can park. Then a truck that you more typically park in front of your electronics store when you guys are having a sale on stereos than you, say, drive around pulls up, makes a screeching turn, then stops, and reverses all the way down our street, parallel parking in between two other trucks, tapping both in the process. One of the guys in the theoretical Killers-derived band runs up and high-fives the driver of the monster truck. Then they all go inside.

A few minutes later a guy and two girls who look like they were at the same party in the same liquor commercial as all the other people walk up to the apartment building across the street, but not before one of the girls insists that the guy push her in a shopping cart they found on the corner the entire seven feet to the apartment building’s front door. They are buzzing in and while they are waiting to be admitted they hear us doing running commentary about them and one of the girls turns and waves and invites us, in that proto-sarcastic dumb-girl-in-high-school way, to come party with them. We decline. The guy turns and asks me what my t-shirt says. I repeat his question back to him until they are buzzed into the building. This crowd were the only people we saw on our street in the two hours we were standing on the balcony. Our street has many lanes and they were all very far away from us the entire time.


When I wake up the next morning I realize there are exactly one hundred percent more mirrors in my room than there were in my room in my old apartment. Actually, that’s impossible: one hundred percent of zero is zero, and there are shit-tons of mirrors in my new room.


There are lots of ways to approach moving in. This particular first day of moving in, I seem to be taking the approach of just living, and in the course of living, anything you reach out for and it isn’t there, it becomes an item on a to-do list. You either have to unpack it or buy it.


We all shipped a ton of stuff from New York, and we receive word that our packages are downstairs. Packing my apartment had been an ordeal in which I was initially proud of myself for packing everything I owned and wanted to take with me into five boxes and one poster tube, then realized, one and a half blocks into carrying the first big box to the post office, that I had fucked up major. I ended up catching a car-service car back to my apartment with my impossibly heavy box and re-doing the entire thing. Eventually I would take eleven manageable boxes and one poster tube to Fed Ex.

This more sensible packaging strategy is vindicated when I get down to the laundry room and all eleven boxes are there, all of them the exact same size and shape, none of them damaged. I am happy to see them and proud of them for making it. My men!


At a certain point the building manager and I end up in the same hallway going the same direction and we make small talk. She goes into the laundry room before me and opens the door with the tiny black digital key every door in the building accepts. All of our keys are like this. They look sort of like tiny black robot penises. I think of how much of her day is spent putting the tiny black robot penis into things, waiting for the light to turn green, and then opening them, then withdrawing the tiny black robot penis.


I set the clock radio that came furnished in my bedroom. It’s kind of like staring in somebody’s face knowing for a fact that someday I will stare into that face with absolute hatred, an eventual enemy. The interface on top of the clock radio is laid out all in Comic Sans. This is an enemy I do not respect.


We eat lunch at a place a couple blocks from our apartment that Dan found highly recommended online called The Chicken Lady. The old guy serving us kind of never leaves us alone, giving us pieces of paper showing which shows and movies the place has catered for, and asking, a little taken aback, how we found the place. Dan says online. The guy is kind of astonished. “What did you type in?” he asks. The food comes out on paper plates and it’s really incredible and it sort of redeems all his pestering. Later, The Chicken Lady comes out on a walker (she just had surgery) and introduces herself personally. Both she and her restaurant are charming and great. We leave psyched on our first LA lunch.


Later, putting clothes in drawers, I find a jewelry case containing a pearl necklace. Later, in the movie about how I became a drag queen, this will be the scene you scoff at as being too mystical and convenient, but it really happened.


We go to Bed Bath And Beyond. It is a miserably laid out store. Waiting in line to check out, I look up on the wall and see a whole series of framed pictures for sale, almost all of which are by an artist called Michael Godard. I know they’re by Michael Godard because his name is printed in big letters beneath all the images. Michael Godard’s main themes appear to be poker tables that have martinis on them, and martinis with olives that have not only come to life but have red-high-heeled lady-gams on them. These subjects are interspersed liberally with flaming skulls and dice. All the paintings have titles like, but not exactly like, “Rollin’ Them Bones,” printed underneath Michael Godard’s name.

While waiting with tons of merchandise for Dan to bring the car around we hear a frantic rustling in the drop ceiling above our heads. We decide it is a squirrel wrestling a Sham Wow.


After Bed Bath & Beyond, we go to a grocery store in Beverly Hills. The parking lot of the grocery store, and the store itself, is kind of a great microcosm of L.A., or this part of it, anyway: because it is such a spread-out car culture you expect everything will be larger and wider to accommodate that, but it often isn’t: a lot of it is still strangely cramped.

I am tired, hungry and punchy by this time, but there is still nothing more fun than walking through a supermarket, flipping an item in one hand, tossing it up, catching it, mouthing the words to the song playing over the loudspeaker. It is a throwback to my bagboy days.

In front of me at the checkout, a guy in a purple button-down shirt with epaulets and his buddy are debating the best way to make Jager bombs with the cashier. They are buying Jagermeister and Monster Energy Drink. The clerk is telling them to buy Red Bull. One of their girlfriends gets involved in the discussion. I am ready to eat dinner.


Later, we drink mojitos in a cavernous restaurant a few blocks from our house. Except for Meggie, who is driving.

Posted by DC at June 12, 2009 12:16 AM
Comments

Did you google Mr. Godard when you returned home? I'm assuming not, as surely you would have included his visage within the post. He seems to look a little bit like MINDFREAK MAGICIAN Criss Angel + Brett Michaels (what with the bandanna), but with a cross around his neck that would rival the one you saw in Oklahoma.

http://www.michaelgodard.com/

Posted by: Rebecca

UMMM.

An important follow-up to the above note:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pkC7JER_Mw

Angel himself visits Godard's studio and "makes his art come to live."

WELCOME TO LA, MAN.

Posted by: Rebecca

LOVING this journal you're keeping. Thank you for hating Comic Sans as much as I do. It is the most shameful set of letters I've ever laid eyes on.

Posted by: Chelsea

I read this day and then the one of the day before and so. Good Memento. Now I wish I wouldn't have so I can wait until the very last day of your blog postings ever and then read back. But it is all ruined by myself.

Drag Queen movie must exist.

Social experiment proposition: Say yes to the girl waving. If it happens again.

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I wonder if anyone has ever agreed to the quasi-serious random invitation to party with someone they don't know. You know, outside of a movie.

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