April 07, 2009

It would be terrible to be in a band with me. I would have formed the band under the stated goal of being a straight-ahead cars-and-girls rockabilly outfit, kind of like a pre-Clash Joe Strummer sort of thing, and on my insistence we would all go the full nine and cut our hippie hair and slick what as left back, wear tight jeans and white tees with packs of cigarettes rolled up in the sleeve, and if you didn't already smoke I'd give you shit about it 'till you started, and we would pool our money to buy an old beat-up muscle car despite your very reasonable insistence that a more sensible vehicle for a band to buy would be a van for, you know, touring.

We would be driving back from the junkyard with the windows rolled down, on the one hand so we could look cool and feel cool with our sleeves rolled up and our newly tatooed arms hanging out the window, but on the other hand because the windows are broken and won't roll up, and we would be stopped at a stoplight and I would hear a subwoofer in a passing vehicle go THOOM THOOM THOOM THOOM and I would say, "As soon as that light turns green, you make a u-turn, we're going back to the barbershop where they cut off our hippie hair and we're all getting hi-top fades."

A few weeks later with the Nike swoosh still freshly shaved on your left temple you would be saying to Matt our one-time drummer who is now our DJ how you could've never foreseen it ending up here when you answered that ad in the paper looking for a rockabilly bassist but you had to hand it to me, I had turned us into one mean fucking rap trio heavily influenced by the music and fashion of the late 1980s, and you would be saying to Matt how you really couldn't be more excited for our first gig that night, that you really thought we were ready to control the crowd, when I would burst in with an enormous ghetto blaster on my shoulder. And you would compliment me on the find, and say how it really completes the whole 1988 effect, but I wouldn't answer, I would have this weird gleam in my eye, and I would place the ghetto blaster down in between you and Mike and the sound system Mike traded in his drum set and maxed out a few credit cards to purchase, and I would say, "This is how I think we should sound."

And as my finger went to press the chunky play button you wouldn't yet be worried, because undoubtedly this ghetto blaster would be about to pour out some boom-bap not too distant from the kind of thing we were already playing, I mean look at it, it practically belongs on some Bronx teenager's shoulder in the coffee table book full of early hip hop photography I handed you two weeks before this and said "THIS IS YOUR BIBLE NOW." But instead of hip-hop, when my finger hit the button the speakers would start blaring the dead center of a bossa nova song. Weird psychadelic bossa nova but bossa nova nontheless, in Portuguese and everything. And swear to God, behind his vintage Gazelle shades, Mike would start crying.

And you would ask me why I would put a tape of tropicalia music in a ghettoblaster more suited to the current incarnation of our band and I would say I didn't put it in there, I found it like this on a streetcorner, full of D batteries. And how it was a sign. And you would say we had our first gig that night and it was really too late to change anything and I would say it's never too late. And you would say that if I was so interested in all these different musical genres, how about instead of constantly shifting what kind of music we played, and how we dressed, and lived, in line with some cartoon version of the past, how about I worked to fuse my various interests into something entirely new. And I would call you a traitor and say that if you weren't down for this journey, then you should have never joined The Four On The Floors, and then stuck with us when we became Frenetic Assault Featuring DJ Mike-Skee, and how you definitely should not stick around for our live debut tonight as The Thunder Brasileira.

You would call me a mean name and sarcastically ask me how to say that mean name in Portuguese. And I would tell you to get the hell out of my father's garage.

Posted by DC at April 7, 2009 01:12 AM

Once 'Thunder Brasileira' breaks up, can we be 'The Flora Smelly Like Gasoline, It must Be The Bees'

Posted by: Brian (fan)

I'm surprised you got Mike to wear vintage Gazelle shades. I think the way you used the word "and" worked really well. Good Job. As usual.

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