February 21, 2009

I thought Tuesday was gonna be a real crummy day. The thing that started Tuesday ended up being crummier than any one crummy day, but Tuesday all by itself turned out to be pretty great.

Sally Stafford had a locker two lockers down from mine. She’s real pretty and just about the smartest kid in our class, with the exception of Mildred Pierce, but Mildred Pierce is a stuck-up old biddy except she isn’t a biddy, she’s fifteen years old just like the rest of us. Sally Stafford though, she was something. And add to that her old man was Werring Stafford of Stafford Textiles, which practically employed the whole town, my pa included! Rich as Croesus, pretty as a picture, and real sweet to everybody, not stuck-up at all. The kind of girl you practically know you’ve never got a shot with, so you don’t say hardly anything to her, nothing beyond “Mornin’ Sally,” and maybe something along the lines of “Boy, isn’t this 'Red Badge Of Courage' just the pits, Sally?” but certainly never anything like “Would you like to go to the Christmas Dance with me, Sally?” or anything like that. You pretty much figure you don’t have any romantic prospects with a girl like that at all unless you drive around in a convertible that takes up two lanes, practically, and your father owns half of Greece.

Which is why I was so surprised that Tuesday when we were both at our lockers between classes and Sally sighed and turned to me and said, “Albert?”

And I was practically blushing already because everybody else calls me Al, my parents and everybody, in fact I think the only person who’s ever called me Albert is every teacher ever on the first day of school until I say “I go by Al,” but I turned and I said, “Yea, Sally?”

“I have a question for you,” Sally said.

“Shoot,” I said, and then I thought, listen to yourself! Sally Stafford the prettiest girl in school whose father runs practically the whole town has a question for you, and here you are saying “Yea” and “Shoot” like you’re pitching pennies behind the muffler shop with Beansie and The Cuz! I swore to myself that any other answers I gave her would come with an air of class and refinement.

“Well, I don’t know quite how to put this, Albert, so I’ll just come right out and say it: I think you’re just a marvelous boy, if you want to know the truth, and I’d love it if you’d take me to the movies this Friday.”

“Sheesh!” I said. Just like that! She just knocked me flat and before I could think of anything classy to say I said “Sheesh.” Then after I said “sheesh,” I said, “Hey, sure. I’d love to! Are you kiddin’?”

“No, not at all. Would you really like to?”

I didn’t mean “Are you kiddin” like I thought she was kidding, I meant it like, just a thing people say in between what they mean to say. I reminded myself to act in a more gentlemanly fashion and then I said, “But of course. Pick you up at seven?”

“Oh, wonderful! Yes, that would be just fine.”

She told me her address and I walked to my next class on a floor ten feet above the floor every other sucker was walking on.




All the days between Tuesday and Friday, the night I was supposed to take Sally out, were divided up by everybody who wanted to make me feel crummy about the whole thing. And boy, did they ever try! Beansie told me how far 12 Harvard Court, the address she’d given me, was from our side of town, and that I’d have to take the bus. The Cuz told me that if I showed up on the bus I’d look like a real palooka, and I’d look like an even bigger palooka if I got us to the movies by taking the bus. My ma told me folks like us didn’t mix with folks like them, and she got a real worried look on her face and tapped her stirring spoon on the side of the sink in a real distracted way. My old man came out from behind his newspaper to tell me that so help him God, if I embarrassed the family, he’d be through at the factory, and we’d all be out on our keisters in the snow! He blew his stack before I even had a chance to do anything wrong! About the only person who didn’t try to make me feel crummy was my big brother Sandy, and that’s because he wasn’t around, because he’s overseas helping with the reconstruction of Europe. Actually, he helped me out a little, if you want to know the truth, by donating one of his nice white dress shirts for me to wear, without his actual knowledge, of course.

So on Friday, the big night, instead of being real nervous like you’d think I’d be, I couldn’t wait to get over to Sally’s, just to get away from all the people trying to make me feel exactly two feet tall.

“Slow down on that corned beef,” Pop said, “You’ll yak it up all over the Stafford’s front parlor and we’ll all be out on our keisters!”

“Where’s your napkin?” Ma said, “You’re going to get cabbage all over that…is that your brother’s shirt?”

I barely said anything, I got through supper as fast as possible and tried to let the screen door speak for me, and what it said was, “SLAM!” I was on my way to the bus stop, on my way to my date with Sally Stafford, the prettiest girl in the whole ninth grade, and practically the whole town, if you want to know the truth.




The bus dropped me off in Ivy Hills, the real ritzy part of town where Sally and a couple of stuffed shirts from school live. Beansie says if our town were just a little bit bigger, they could probably all have a school of their own, like a private school, but there’s not so many of them so they just have to suffer through it among us low-class types. All the streets had names of fancy colleges, like Princeton and Yale, and some I didn’t recognize, like Dartmouth. It made me think of some rummy at some bar catching a dart in his mouth.

The thought of that made me laugh for a while, until I got to 12 Harvard Court, and then I stopped laughing and started gasping, gasping at just how much of a front yard a house could have, and still have plenty of room for a house the size of my whole block, maybe. I started making my way up towards Sally’s house, thinking I should’ve packed a sandwich for this leg of the trip alone.

“Ms. Stafford will be right down. Please, make yourself at home,” said Sally’s butler. A butler! The rich sure can be rich sometimes. They don’t have a whole lot of problems with being exactly how you’d think they’d be. He gestured for me to have a seat in a big chair, like the kind you might see an old guy sitting in front of at the beginning of a horror picture, as he told you that no refunds would be given and seven people had died of heart attacks watching this picture already. The chair was even next to a big fireplace! And there was a fire going in the fireplace! Nobody sitting there and a fire just roaring away. I could hardly believe it.

The butler disappeared practically into thin air and I just sat there like a rube, wondering which staircase Sally would come down, getting all hot under my brother’s white shirt.

“Ho there!” said a man’s voice. I turned, and from some hallway I hadn’t noticed before came an older fellow in a velvet dressing gown. He looked older, but not all beat-up and worn-down like the old people I’m used to. He looked, I dunno, what’s the word? Distinguished.

“You must be…” he said as he walked up on fancy slippers. I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t want to interrupt, but after a second it was real clear he didn’t really know my name, he was just saying “You must be…” and I was supposed to follow up with my name, that way it wouldn’t be strange for anybody, except I hadn’t followed up with my name, and now it was strange, and oh boy, was I ever making a hash of this.

“Albert, sir,” I said, standing. “Albert Runfle.”

“Werring Stafford, at your service,” he said, sticking his hand out for me to shake. I did, not too hard or too soft, I hoped. “Sit, Albert, sit.”

I did, and he did the same, in another big chair across from me and next to the fire.

“Albert, what did you say your last name was?” He had a voice like someone who ought to be on the radio, but on the radio telling you adventure stories, rather than gossip or bad news.

“Runfle, sir.”

“Runfle…Runfle. Would that be R-U-N-F-L-E?”

“Why, yes, sir, it would!”

“I haven’t heard that name in…Albert, you wouldn’t perchance be related to Snuffy Runfle, would you? Well, now, he wouldn’t be known to you as ‘Snuffy,’ of course, silly me. Stewart Runfle?”

“Golly, sir, that’s my Uncle Stew!”

“You don’t say? Why, Stewart was a classmate of mine at Harvard. Class of ’19.”

“Well how do you like that?” I said, barely trying to contain my low-class demeanor. This was all so quick and strange I was having a hard time trying to hold it all together.

“I like it just fine, Albert, why…Why, I haven’t seen old Snuffy in years! Tell you what, Albert, for me, next time you see your Uncle Stew, you tell him old Red-Bird says ‘Whizzo!’ Will you do that for me? Tell him old Red-Bird says ‘Whizzo!’ He’ll know what you mean.”

“Old Red-Bird says ‘Whizzo!’” I said, just to be sure I had it right.

“That’s it, Albert, that’s it. Funny old world, isn’t it?”

It sure was. My Uncle Stew was basically considered to be the scum of the Earth by my whole family, even though he lived with us, in our creepy old attic. The way my Pop put it, Stew had though he was real hot stuff, going away to a big fancy school like Harvard, but it had all gotten to be too much for him and he’d gone out of his skull shortly after graduating. He’d been living with us ever since I could remember, though he didn’t take his meals with us and was hardly ever seen outside the attic, and was never ever seen outside of his one dirty pair of pajamas and his trusty aviator goggles. I didn’t say any of that to Mr. Stafford, though. He probably figured my uncle was a big stuffy captain of industry like him and I didn’t want to contradict him.

“I see you’ve met my father,” said Sally. I turned, and she was standing at the bottom of the staircase I’d rated second-most-likely for her to come down. She normally looked as pretty as a picture, but that night, at the bottom of that staircase, I tell you, she looked prettier than any picture you ever saw.




We didn’t end up taking the bus to the movies, but the alternative didn’t leave me feeling like the most chivalrous knight on the block, either. Going with the whole rich people not minding to seem rich thing, Sally insisted that we let her father’s driver drive us downtown to The Odeon. I agreed, and that’s how I ended up in the back of a limousine heading downtown with Sally Stafford. I probably should’ve felt like cruising by Beansie’s house and bragging on my fancy car and date, but instead I was already feeling pretty low. Instead of the Sally I knew from school, always sweet to everybody, she seemed kind of different. And I couldn’t think of much of anything we had in common to talk about, either.

“Listen to much radio?” I said.

“No,” Sally said.

“Ah,” I said. “Me neither.”

It was real quiet and the driver seemed about a thousand feet away.

Sally turned to me, but unlike at our lockers on Tuesday, it wasn’t the real fun sort of turning to me.

“I suppose you’ll want to neck,” she said. She said it like I’d hit her up for about a thousand dollars and she was going to give it to me but she wanted me to know she wasn’t happy about it.

“What?” I said. “No! I mean…no, Sally, c’mon, that wasn’t…Jeez.” I didn’t know what to say after that and my heart felt like it was two tons of concrete.




The Sally at the movies wasn’t like the Sally from the car, exactly, but she wasn’t the Sally I knew from school, either. She pulled the fur lining of her coat up around her neck and looked at me as we stepped out of the limousine and said, “I hope you know I’m sorry. I’m just so terribly sorry. I’ve been beastly.”

You could see her breath right up against the dark of the night and underneath the blinking lights of the marquee and I tell you, I don’t have much in the way of words for it, and a couple of jerks hollered and whistled at the fancy way we’d pulled up to the curb but I barely heard them, and I said, “Aw Sally, I could never be mad at you! Now let’s go see these cowboys!” It was a cowboy movie, after all. I paid for the tickets and she paid for the popcorn even though I tried to get her not to and we went inside.




Like I said, she wasn’t the Sally from the car. This Sally was sad instead of mean. She’d wince at every gunshot and every arrow every Indian shot from every bow. At one point, not during a romantic part or anything, she just looked over at me and sighed. Sighed! And not in a real longing way, either, but just like somebody just told her something so sad she could hardly stand it.

“Sally,” I said, “what’s bugging you?”

She just shook her head and turned back to the cowboys.




Back in the limousine after the movie was over, Sally looked at me and said, “Oh Albert, I’m sorry, I’m just so so sorry.” Then she started bawling. I mean, really bawling.

“Hey Sally! Hey, forget it! It’s alright, there’s no need to…Hey, c’mon now, won’t ya? Everybody gets down every now and again, I don’t mind, I think it’s real nice you asked me to the…”

“Oh, it’s not that, it’s…” but she never said what it was. When we got to 12 Harvard Court, Sally insisted that I let the driver give me a ride home, and she ran inside before I could argue or before anybody could so much as think about a goodnight kiss.




Man, did I ever feel crummy when I got home. I mean crummier than crummy. I let the screen door slam when I came in, not giving a hoot who I woke up. I felt so crummy I was convinced that the only thing that could make me feel crummier was trudging up those creaky attic stairs to give my stupid Uncle Stew Mr. Stafford’s stupid message. I decided to do it anyway, just to perfect the whole crummy evening.

I knocked on Uncle Stew’s door, pretty convinced he’d be asleep. Instead, the door swung open almost as soon as I knocked. Uncle Stew stood there, in the same dirty pajamas, in the same aviator goggles, with the same dumb look in his eyes as always.

“Yes?” he said.

“Hey, Uncle Stew.” I yawned. I couldn’t help it, getting knocked around by a gal and then trudging up a whole lot of stairs really takes it out of a guy. “Old Red-Bird says ‘Whizzo!’”

“…What?” said Stew.

“Old Red-Bird says ‘Whizzo,” I said.

Then Stew looked like I’d never seen him look in all his years in the attic. He stopped hunching over and his eyes got this thing in them like he was actually seeing what he looked at.

“Whizzo…” said Stew, in pretty much a whisper. “So it begins.” He turned and ran back into his room, leaving the attic door swinging. I caught it and followed the crazy nut into his lair, which I have to say was one heck of a scary place. There were all kinds of weird diagrams and things pinned to the rafters, and newspapers ankle-deep on the floor. If my Ma knew what was going on in her very own attic, I thought, she’d never get after me to clean my room again!

“Say, Stew,” I said, “Clue a guy in. What’s this all about?”

“Whizzo…” Stew just kept mumbling. “Whizzo.” He sat down in one of those roll-y chairs like librarians sit in and swiveled his desk lamp around. Then he launched himself and the chair away from his desk with his feet, sliding across the attic floor and putting him just in front of the attic window, which he threw open, letting all kinds of cold air in and blowing his crazy papers around everywhere. He grabbed a mirror off a shelf where it sat with a bunch of other scientific kind of stuff, and started waving the mirror towards the window, so it caught the light from the desk lamp and sent it out over the town.

“Hey Stew, c’mon now!” I said. “First you make a big racket right above my Ma and Pop’s bedroom, and now you’re shining that crazy light all over creation!”

“Whizzo,” Stew said.

By this time I was right over Stew’s shoulder and I was realizing that from this window in our house I’d never looked out of, you could see pretty much our whole town. And right after that, I realized that all the way across town over by where Sally’s family lived, windows were opening, and lights and mirrors were flashing back.




Everybody pretty much knows what happened after that. Heck, even my brother in Europe knows, or at least I hope he does, so that him and his buddies can come over and rescue us. You know the story as well as I do, even though I didn’t know some of the words in the story until it happened, and even now I can only really guess at what some of them mean: Werring Stafford was the head of a “cell” of a “secret Ivy League cabal” that was waiting for some kind of “ideal circumstances” and for my Uncle Stew to be finished “developing subliminal radio-based mind control technology” so they could take power and make everybody who never went to one of their cruddy colleges practically a slave! And me, a patsy in the whole thing, a bag-man like some no-good know-nothing thug in a gangster movie! It smarts, I can tell you that much. As much as you hate it, being one of the enslaved suckers “disassembling the current infrastructure so that it may be reconstituted in a format better befitting rule by an Intellectual Elite,” I can guarantee you I hate it about four times as much, knowing I was half-way responsible. Like The Cuz would say about his old man getting drunk and wailing on him, it “sucks.” It really does!

And let me tell you the capper on the whole shebang: about six months after everything happened, our Regional Disbursement Commandant was removed from his post for “Inadequate Fealty To His Intellectual Betters,” or so they say, and you’ll never guess who was assigned to replace him: Sally Stafford! Everybody in our section was taking apart Fellson’s Bowling Alley and placing all the metal in trucks to be taken away and smelted down when one of their hot-shot Ivy League airships landed right in the middle of what used to be Main Street, and out climbed Little Miss Use Albert Runfle As A Tool In Her Old Man’s Evil Plot herself.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t care much whether I live or die these days, so you better believe I put down whatever slab of insulation I was moving and marched right up to her.

“Hey, Sally! Hey, it’s me! Albert!”

“Back in line, maggot!” said one of those big-in-the-britches Loyalty Guards.

“No…it’s fine,” Sally said. “Let him approach.”

The big dumb goon let me through and I stormed right up to Sally.

“What’s the big idea, Sally? Huh?”

“Albert, I’m sorry. I am just so terribly sorry that things have worked out this way. I mean, it’s for the general good, you know, but it really is unfortunate how there must be some residual unpleasantness in the meantime, and how it must be distributed so randomly at times—“

“Aw, I’ve had it up to here with your five dollar words!” I said. Boy, I was really spitting mad. “You used me and that’s all. Plain and simple! No fancy degree from any college is going to change the fact that you did me dirt, Sally Stafford, and I don’t care who knows it.”

“Oh, Albert! But of course, you’re right. I told you that night I was sorry and I still am. I will make it up to you. I promise.”

“Yea, well you can stick that promise in your eye—”

“I understand why you feel this way. Please don’t hate me, Albert.”

I spat on the ground. Hock-tooey and the whole business. It wasn’t very gentlemanly, but I wasn’t feeling much like a gentleman there in my dirty blue jumpsuit in what used to be my town but is now Habitation Zone 7, or some horse-hockey like that. I went back to my task without the Loyalty Guards having to truncheon me back in line or anything, telling myself I’d be happy if I never saw Sally Stafford again.




That night in my bunk, somebody threw a black bag over my head. I was sure I was done for, for everything I’d said to old Sally, and to tell you the truth, I was glad to be done with the whole rigged game called living. But instead, I soon found myself in the back of a limousine with none other than Werring Stafford himself, in his velvet dressing gown.

“Mr. Runfle,” said Werring Stafford. I didn’t give him the satisfaction of a reply.

“My daughter reminded me of the sizable contribution you made to our cause. Pity you had to make it without knowing it yourself at the time, but we are in your debt nonetheless. Gentlemen of the academic lineage shared by myself and your uncle were, in the old order, accused of engaging in secret society skulduggery as a means of enforcing an artificial prestige. This was never the aim. We were, as everyone now knows, consolidating our power in secret, awaiting the perfect time to wrest power from those of middling intellect and poor breeding.” Boy, I tell you, if Sally was throwing around five-dollar words, her father was minting a new hundred dollar bill with his mouth every second!

“As you were instrumental in making this transition a successful one, I am only too happy to ask you to join the new ruling class. To welcome you to the fold, I thought I might invite you to partake in the revelry that is our privilege.”

Just then, the limousine stopped. I looked out the window, and we were right out front of old 12 Harvard Court. So my family had to take our house apart for scrap, and the Staffords got to keep their crummy old mansion! Some ruling class. Some breeding.

Then I got to thinking, as we made our way up the drive, that it might be best to go along with the whole thing. Maybe, like Enlo, Pirate Of The Airwaves (a kiddie radio show I used to listen to every Saturday night), I could infiltrate the enemy, and then bring the whole cruddy thing down from the inside! Of course, it would mean I’d have to put up with a whole lot of stuffy conversation and sitting in chairs like the ones in the Stafford’s front parlor, and probably boring operas, and boring parties like the ones I was sure we were about to go to, but it would be worth it if I could get my Ma and Pop free from the clutches of Regional Disbursement Commandant Sally Stafford through cunning and trickery. That’d sure show her.

Inside, Werring Stafford went off down yet another hallway I’d never noticed before, and then opened a door. A stone staircase led down, down, down, and Werring took a torch off the wall like we were in some kind of Medieval castle. I was really starting to like the whole infiltration idea: I mean, torches? Stone staircases? This could really be an adventure!

Then we reached the bottom of the staircase, and Werring Stafford undid his dressing gown and dropped it to the floor. He stood there all naked and gross and said, I’m not kidding, he said, “Welcome to the new world order!” and then he knocked past a musty old curtain and we were in a dungeon full of I barely want to tell you what. There were old ladies in masks and men kissing other men and people rubbing each other down with goat’s blood. Things were happening that I’d only ever seen on a deck of playing cards Beansie’s old man had brought back from his time in the Service, and a lot of things they’d never let you put on playing cards in any grimy country. Somebody was playing an opera record on a record player way too loud, so the thing I said about the opera was at least right, but everything else was just about as wrong as could be. I could hardly take it all in, not that I wanted to. I started to feel sick almost right away. An old geezer touched my face and said something about the Greeks and I turned and almost knocked over a big old candelabra as I ran back up the stone staircase.

I came out into the hallway, completely out of breath. I found my way back to the front parlor and couldn’t make it another step, I just fell down on all fours and yakked right there. I really did! Just like my Pop said I would back when the world made at least half a lick of sense. And my Pop had said they’d throw us all out on our keisters, and brother, that's just fine with me. I’d rather be outside on my keister than standing on my own two feet in a world ruled by snobs.


This story is heavily inspired by a Jean Shepard story from the collection "Wanda Hickey's Night Of Golden Memories," except for the bat-shit insane parts.

Posted by DC at February 21, 2009 12:26 AM
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