February 10, 2009

The agency did exclusively threesome-related print advertisements.

Meaning advertisements that would run on billboards, in subways, in magazines, and elsewhere, which showed young, attractive people in situations that looked likely to devolve, sooner rather than later, into a threesome.

For instance, a whiskey ad depicting a rakish white man in a mostly-unbuttoned shirt, face covered in fashionable stubble, being led by his necktie by a green-eyed African-American woman towards her friend, a brunette lounging on a divan, wearing a fedora cocked at a jaunty angle. This all takes place in a negative space, though we can assume from the wash of colored lights behind them that they are in a fancy nightclub.

At one point they were a much less specialized print advertising agency. Their purview was still largely pictures of young attractive people, but they would often just be pictures of young people being sexy, rather than young people about to engage in sex. In 2004, they poached a young, up-and-coming creative executive, Allan Ridgefield, from Remington-Banster of London. Ridgefield was told that at Smith/Islip, there was limitless potential for advancement, if he could bring some of the freshness and youth contained in his portfolio to S/I’s accounts. His portfolio was brimming with pictures of attractive young people about to engage in sex near or because of the products being advertised. He assumed “freshness and youth” was code for “attractive young people about to engage in sex near or because of the products being advertised.”

His first campaigns featured mostly two women about to engage in group sex with one man. These campaigns, for a line of designer womens’ shoes, a cologne being launched by a famous rap star, and an mp3 player named after a Native American tribe, were all wildly successful. Emboldened, some of Ridgefield’s next campaigns featured two men about to engage in group sex with one woman. These campaigns, for a line of headscarves designed by a famous pop singer who had recently split from her even more famous pop group, a line of horoscope-themed protective cellphone cases, and a body-spray fragrance being launched by a company more commonly known for its jet-skis, were even more successful than their predecessors.

Aware that Ridgefield was already being courted by some of their competitors, Smith and Islip had no choice but to follow through on their promise of rapid advancement and offered to make Ridgefield a partner in the spring of 2006. Ridgefield said he would take the position, under one condition: the agency embrace the brand for which it had become known in the advertising world, and among advertisers seeking to be seen as young, hip, and sexy, and go threesomes-only. He reasoned that, shackled by these self-imposed creative limitations, the agency would actually experience a renaissance of creativity, and take the threesome-related print advertisement to unimagined heights of youth, hipness, and sexuality. Islip, the younger of the two original partners, was on board immediately. Smith, the older and more conservative, was very hesitant to commit to a policy of all threesomes, all accounts. He eventually succumbed to the combined persuasive forces of his old, trusted partner’s reasoned prodding and the newer Brit’s boyish charm, and agreed.

Ridgefield now had a lot to prove, and he knew it. What followed were his boldest campaigns to date, and also his most unequivocally well-received. He was playing with the form of the threesome-related print advertisement in new and unexpected ways. An Asian woman making out with a blonde Caucasian woman in a dirty telephone booth, the Asian woman’s finger through a nearby man wearing a mesh shirt’s belt loop the only indication that the man would eventually be pulled into the unfolding sexual situation. A grainy image of two European-looking men with mullets of varying lengths, lying in one enormous hammock with a shirtless American pop star known up until this point for her very public chastity, her breasts covered only by an unclean towel, covered presumably in sweat from a soccer match.

Advertised threesomes consumed Ridgefield, and, by extension, the ad firm of which he had just been made partner. If he strolled through the agency’s second-floor casting office and there was an even ratio of men and women waiting to be seen, the casting associate might find herself the subject of a tirade laced with quirky British profanity. An ad which was going to feature two men and one woman should have an office full of two thirds male models and one third female models. Anything else would be denying the purity of the agency’s mission statement.

An S/I/R advertisement, Ridgefield told a meeting of the agency’s creative department, depicted a world where there were no fluid narratives, no cause and effect. It was a universe of threesome-related entropy: no matter how they started, things naturally decayed into a state of threesomes. At the beginning of an evening, any given party was merely a collection of threesomes who had not yet paired (or trio’d) off. Two might be company, but three was a crowd, a crowd of sweaty, androgynous-haircut-and-necktie-as-belt-wearing young people who sold their lifestyle and by extension, the product.

That night, Allan Ridgefield had a dream. He dreamed that the world of an S/I/R threesome print advertisement was the world real men and women occupied. He dreamed of a world where threesomes were the norm, and not any threesomes (he had once seen a BBC documentary on swinging couples and by and large the swingers had been pudgy and undesirable) but hot threesomes, all of them. Everyone was a nineteen year old of mixed race whose perfect, toned body was always bursting provocatively from not-very-much designer clothing, and glistening with the kind of sweat that can really only be applied by a makeup artist in a studio, and they were always pleasantly drunk and being pulled into darkrooms or coat closets or the one of the guard towers at Buckingham Palace by two other hot, pleasantly drunk acquaintances, who wanted nothing more than to kiss and fuck without emotion but not without joy and take pictures of each other with high-end digital cameras. In this world, Allan Ridgefield was adrift. Obsolete. He was selling people depictions of what they already had. He was printing mirrors rather than portals. In the dream, he realized what he was, rather rudely pushed the beautiful Nordic models away from his penis, and beat on the window of the limousine while the Tokyo nightscape sped by outside.

He awoke, breathing heavily. He looked over at his still-sleeping wife, relieved that there was only one of her and that she was pushing forty. He looked over at the clock. It was three hours until he would be in the S/I/R offices, pitching the agency’s first all-female threesome-related print advertisement to the client, makers of a line of designer snap bracelets spun off from a series of popular young adult novels about sexy witches. He thanked God for that, and for his certainty that when his agency ran the first all-male threesome-related print advertisement in a major news magazine three years from now, it would still be controversial.

Posted by DC at February 10, 2009 02:14 AM
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