January 27, 2009

We are back in town. In Utah, I represented New York so hard in any conversation, especially with LA folks, that it was probably obnoxious. In fact, I'm sure it was.

I told several people that in New York City there's an orgasm kiosk on each and every corner.

I told them you can go to any of our airports in the afternoon, go out on the tarmac, and watch a hot new female British soul singer disembark a Pan-Am jet, each more talented than Amy Winehouse, each less self-destructive than Amy Winehouse.

I told them that the reflections on the Hudson River are also a telescreen through which we are observed by a race of super-advanced mer-people, and if you squint, you can see them watching us, giving us the thumbs up, and whipping up incandescent bubbles inside of which glow the words "You guys have it pretty well figured out!"

I told them that upon crossing into the five boroughs from any direction, people are often heard to remark, "Hmmm. I think my cancer just went into remission."

The thing is, I believe all of the above to be true. LA might have In & Out Burger, but we have The Statue Of Liberty, who dismounts her pedestal every weekday, wades her way onto Manhattan and plods towards midtown, where she tirelessly auditions for soap operas, commercials, instructional videos, anything, even though she's only ever booked "Ghostbusters II" and that bit part in "Cloverfield."

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