November 13, 2007

Mid-Fall Story-Thon, Day 20

Today's suggestion is from Pat Baer: "Hickory"

I did a shitty job on my Andrew Jackson paper. It wasn’t even like I forgot about it and remembered at the last second and threw it together as best I could, which happens sometimes. Nope. I remembered it every day and every night before it was due and sat on it anyway and watched TV and scratched my balls and when the time came, I threw it together as poorly as I could, cribbing whole sections from Wikipedia and rewording them just enough so it wasn’t explicitly plagiarism. You’re really gone too far this time, I thought. On this one you get your comeuppance. I winced when I handed it in, and I winced when it got handed back, and I stopped wincing when I looked down and saw that I got an A minus.

If you’re in school right now or you have been in the past, say, fifteen years, you know that basically you cannot fuck up. Past a certain point failure is impossible. Don’t get anybody pregnant and don’t bring a gun to school and you’re pretty much golden. No one is holding you to much of a standard, and it’s not like, when nobody else expects all that much from you, you’re just going to wake up and be Thoreau all by yourself.

Andrew Jackson knew I got him all fucked up, though. He was waiting for me when I got out of history class, standing in the middle of the hallway, an unlikely ray from a skylight hitting him, his hair blowing in a wind nobody else could feel, and he stared me down, daring me to go around him to get to the cafeteria. He tailed behind the lacrosse players on their way out to the field wacking each other with sticks, and he brandished a hickory rod and promised to tan my hide for doing him wrong on my glowing paper-spitting devil machine. Later he bellowed that I was a callow shit-stain, a fatted calf of industrialization, no kind of man and no repository of dignity, and I was the one who felt small and weak even though he was shouting at me from a twenty dollar bill and I was handing him over to the school bookstore lady to settle the balance of my photo lab fee.

To get him off my back I wanted to suggest he get all the teachers and administrators and drive them Trail-Of-Tears style around the track, all through one of their in-service days and into the night, until they agreed to call kids on their bullshit once in a while, and, like, expect great things from us like in inspirational movies. And of course it would be cruel and fucked up like a lot of things he did, but at least he would be acting on deeply held beliefs, which is something I think people stopped doing around like 1900. So I was going to ask him to force-march the English department at bayonet-point, I really was, but when he leapt through my bedroom window astride a great grey stallion when I was in the middle of watching Conan and pointed a sabre at me, all I could do was mumble something about trying harder next time.

“Who,” he asked, “is the subject of your next composition?”

“John C. Calhoun,” I said.

“Oh, well, in that event, you are at liberty to do another terrible job,” he said, sheathing his sabre. “If there is anyone who deserves memorializing by a half-wit sixteen-year-old whose primary concerns are sweets and self-abuse, it is he.”

So with Old Hickory’s permission, I came home half-stoned from Terry’s on a Sunday night after watching like two seasons of 24 on DVD and really fucking phoned in my John C. Calhoun paper. I did not do the traitorous dog so much as the courtesy of half-decent scholarship. I got an A minus.

Posted by DC at November 13, 2007 02:12 AM
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Was mir an Gomopa.net besonders gefällt ist die harte Art mit der gegen Abzocker vorgegangen wird. Im deutschsprachigen Raum habe ich noch kein zweites Forum gefunden, dass ein dermaßen klares Deutsch spricht!
Daher steht der Server auch nicht in Deutschland, ein besonders wichtiger Punkt, wie ich finde.
Für jeden Finanzdienstleister, aber auch für jeden Anleger, finde ich Gomopa.net genial! Mag sein, dass die Community des Forums ab und zu den nötigen Stil vermissen lässt, aber das zeigt lediglich die Art des Marktes auf dem dieses Forum agiert!
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