October 30, 2007

End Of Summer (Mid-Autumn) Story-thon, Day 18

Today's suggestion is from Dominic Dierkes: "Booth or table?"

Never sit with yer back facin’ the door. That’s how Kansas Pete got it, right in the back. Always sit facin’ the door.

And never sit near the kitchen. That’s how they got Allegheny Slim: He was just sittin’ there playin’ poker and the fella came right out of the kitchen and blasted him. He woulda had more time to react if he’d a been sittin’ further away from the kitchen. Also, the fella was dressed as a cook. Don’t sit nowhere near the kitchen.

Don’t you sit at no table with a spittoon. A table with a spittoon was the undoin’ of Stink-Eye Wallace Barr. He leaned over to spit in that spittoon and another fella at the table saw his opportunity and Stink-Eye never raised his head again. Without the convenience of the spittoon temptin’ him to lean over and take advantage of it, Stink-Eye been lookin’ up when the other fella raised his pistol, and he mighta had a mouthful of spit for a little while, but he would still have a lot of other bodily fluids besides. Stink-Eye killed the man’s cousin in Cheyenne. Don’t sit near a spittoon, unless you wanna end up like him.

And while we’re on the subject, don’t go in no drinking establishment what has a piano player. It was in Trouble Dan’s Established Pianee Parlor where The Man Called Alice Watkins was lit up by twenty-two rifles. They say that salaried and mustachioed dandy was ticklin’ the ivories so fine right up until the moment the barrels of twenty-two rifles was stuck in the various and sundry knotholes, crevices, and spaces between boards in the walls of Trouble Dan’s (which, fer all its pretentions of bein’ Established, weren’t much more than a glorified tar-paper lean-to) and all went off at once, turnin’ The Man Called Alice, who was holdin’ court at a table in the center of the place, into so much human chili. It don’t take a scholar of military history to see that if it hadn’t been for the sweet pianee music, doubtless The Man Called Alice Watkins woulda heard his assassins takin’ up their positions all around the shack. So unless you hate the way your guts is inside of ya, don’t go in no place with no piano player.

Bunker Gupp, that was the worst of ‘em. Indian burst right through the saloon doors and put a knife in his forehead. Of course, you couldn’t miss that big forehead, and Bunker Gupp tryin’ to take in a little mid-day sun by facin’ the door. Just goes to show ya, never sit facing the door. I realize I said ALWAYS sit facin’ the door not half a mile of this trail back. I meant it back then much as I mean it now.

Never sit facin’ the door. Also: always sit facin’ the door. And never fall asleep. And never don’t get enough sleep. Don’t gamble none unless ya are. Don’t lend no money, borrow none, make none, or spend none. If ya hope on livin’, don’t fill up yer canteen halfway, or all the way, don’t take advice from a tomboy gypsy masqueradin’ as a Hapsburg prince, don’t stop the cattle-drive to watch a puppet-show, and don’t you ever wear boots. You gotta do all of it and none of it. ‘Cause it’s always when you’re livin’ that somebody makes you die. Like the fella said, it's always when you're doin' the things that let 'em get ya that they get ya.

Posted by DC at October 30, 2007 12:01 AM
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