August 29, 2007

END OF SUMMER STORY-THON, Day 9 (more info on Story-Thon here)

Today's suggestion is from Jeff Eckman: "Near-death experiences."

I've come close to Death a couple times this week. It's been pretty awkward.

I passed Death in the hallway of my apartment building on Monday. We did one of those which-way-are-YOU-going-to-go things where you and another person try to get around each other in an enclosed space and you both move the same way at the same time and almost inevitably correct yourselves at the same time and it's extremely awkward and makes everyone involved feel like an asshole. It went on particularly long with Death since his cloak goes all the way down to the ground and you can't see which way his feet are going. Assuming he has feet.

Then on Wednesday Death and I were walking in opposite directions on 34th Street right after I got off work. Death did one of those uh-oh-is-this-guy-gonna-stop-and-talk-to-me-rather-than-just-acknowledge-that-we-know-each-other things. I didn't stop to talk to him or slow up at all. Maybe he didn't even see me, it's hard to tell from looking into the inky infinite blackness inside his hood. I nodded just to be safe. I didn't want to be rude to Death.

On Friday night Death and I were in the same aisle of the video store. We both went for a copy of "Stripes" at the same time. We did one of those we-touched-each-other's-hands semi-intimate physical-contact-with-a-semi-stranger things. It was particularly awkward because when I touched his hand I felt a temperature below absolute zero in the depths of my immortal soul and in that moment I knew The End Of All Things and the Number of Days. Luckily I forgot it shortly thereafter when I went up to the counter and had to remember my 13-digit membership number since I lost my card. Death ended up renting "National Lampoon's European Vacation."

This is the worst: On Saturday Death and I got on the same N train and sat down right near each other without realizing it. We Death went "Oh'" It was not that slick. There are slicker ways to play off not knowing somebody's name, even if you are Death and your voice is the rattle of a sack of crow-skulls. I guess I don't want Death to know my name. But come on, dude.

Also this week, the old lady down the hall from me had a heart attack, the video store clerk's druggie girlfriend finally OD'd, a homeless guy expired on the subway, and four people were killed in a gas explosion on 34th Street. Six are in critical condition at Cedars-Sinai. It's down the block from me but I'm avoiding it like the plague: I don't want to be around anywhere when Death comes for any of those six people. Can you imagine? So awkward. He probably thinks I'm stalking him or something.

Posted by DC at August 29, 2007 03:08 PM


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