August 09, 2007

An Open Letter To Sean Mulcafferty, Bassist Of The Black Metal Band That I Started.

Dear Sean,

I guess it’s a good thing we called our band BETRAYER, since that is in fact what you turned out to be. Wait, come to think of it, Sean, wasn’t it YOUR idea to call the band BETRAYER? It was, wasn’t it? Perhaps, in those early days of the band six weeks ago, you were trying to send myself and the other members a message. I can’t even think of a name that would be more descriptive of the situation we now find ourselves in. If you’ll remember, I wanted to call the band LEGION OF SORROWS. Actually, that would’ve been pretty appropriate too, since sorrow is exactly what your betrayal has caused us. How many sorrows, you ask? Let’s see, one, two, three, four—OH WOW, a whole LEGION.

I guess it’s a good thing we put five songs on our first EP, since five is the exact number of ways in which you’ve hurt me. In your betrayal of BETRAYER, you’ve hurt my sense of myself, my sense of what it means to be a musician, and my sense of what it means to be a man. You’ve hurt my faith in black metal, and you’ve hurt my faith in Satan. Wait, come to think of it, Sean, wasn’t it your idea for us to put five songs on our first EP? Or not your IDEA, exactly, but it was you who insisted we leave off the sixth track, “CHILD-HEART DEVOURER,” because it wasn’t “punishing” enough? “Punishing,” Sean. Your word, not mine. Well, I’m being punished now, Sean. I’m being punished for trusting you.

I guess it’s a good thing we named that first EP “TAKING A DUMP IN GOD’S MOUTH.” Because I started Betrayer from nothing, so I guess if Betrayer was the world, and it was certainly my world, Sean, then I was God, because I created it. And when you betrayed Betrayer, it was as though you stormed the gates of Heaven, slaughtered angel after angel before finally breaking into the most high throne room of the divine and confronted me, God. Then you asked me to open my mouth, and because I am an infinitely loving and trusting God, I did. Then you unbuckled the tri-skull belt buckle that I, God, bought you at the smoke shop at the mall so you’d look more metal for our first gig, took down your black leather pants, and filled my mouth, the mouth once spoke the words “let there be light” and called the very universe into being, with a big steamy dump. Wait, come to think of it, wasn’t it your idea to call the EP “TAKING A DUMP IN GOD’S MOUTH?” Well, I may only be God, a weak-willed crutch of a deity vastly inferior to the dark lord Satan, but I know dump when I taste it. Well, I’m tasting it today, Sean. And there’s some in my beard, too.

What betrayal are you guilty of? What crime could be so great that I would start writing a letter to you and stop writing lyrics for our forthcoming album, “GOAT SKULL FULL OF VIRGIN PUS?” I’ll tell you, Sean. When this band started six weeks ago, I made one thing very clear. The band description on our MySpace profile would be “METAL. BLACK. SPEED.” First and foremost, we are metal. Second, we are black metal. And as a VERY distant third, we are speed black metal. You went in and changed the description to “METAL. SPEED. BLACK.” If our band is a baby, then METAL is the egg, and BLACK is the sperm. With one stroke, you’ve pierced the womb with the razor-tipped cock you call “SPEED,” and completely decimated the baby that is our band. I trust the reference to our song isn’t lost on you. You must know the one I’m talking about: “Razorcock Fuckbortion?” I mean, you wrote it. It’s a beautiful song. I wish I could say as beautiful as the soul of the man who wrote it, but after this…well, I just don’t know anymore.

I want you to apologize to me. I want you apologize to the other members of Betrayer. And most importantly, I want you to apologize to Satan. You know what it takes to apologize to Satan, and YES, my cat did just have kittens and YES, you may have one to sacrifice. It should come easily to you. You got a lot of practice when you sacrificed my trust.

Sincerely,

Kevin Applewright
Founder of the Black Metal Band You Ruined

Posted by DC at August 9, 2007 05:05 PM
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