July 01, 2007

So, I like The History Channel's "Ice Road Truckers." It is a genius show in that it documents men using a form of transportation (big heavy trucks) to cover terrain ridiculously unsuited to support that form of transportation (a thin sheet of ice over deep freezing water) in order to deliver equipment used to produce the most frivilous goods imaginable (diamonds).

Because I like the show so much, I can only imagine that it is a huge success. And when The History Channel comes looking for their next "Ice Road Truckers," I will be ready with some pitches based on their dynamite formula. Here are the ones I've got so far:

"Acid Pond Skinnydippers" - On a small volcanic island in the South Pacific, there's an inland pond where the Earth's nether-regions vomit up sulfuric acid. The rocks at the bottom of this pond contain a pigment that is used to dye drink umbrellas colors that won't run when your drink sweats. It is the only place in the world this pigment is found. So precious is this pigment that men are willing to dive to the bottom of the acid pond to obtain it, but they can't wear wet-suits, diving bells, or bathyscapes, because any non-organic material, when melted by the sulfiric acid, will upset the chemical balance of the pond and cause the pigment to stop occuring. So these men must skinny-dip. The most skilled among them will make maybe four dives before disintergrating entirely, but the haul from those four dives will set their children up for life, or at least guarantee that their children will not have to be acid pond skinnydippers.

"Avalanche-Prone Mountain Ice Cream Men" - Mount Pitchubatso in Peru is the most avalanche-prone mountain in the world. At the top of this mountain is a glade of trees which are cut down and made into the paper the "your copy" part of credit card receipts is printed on. This is the only place in the world these trees will grow. Supplies for the loggers at the top of the mountain are run up in the only form of transportation available in such a remote location: three ice-cream trucks air-lifted there in a poorly thought-out Peruvian wealth redistribution scheme. The ice-cream trucks drive up saws, food, and medicine to the logging camp, and drive down with sheaths of "your copy" receipt paper. The slightest noise will trigger an avalanche on Mount Pitchubatso. The ice-cream trucks' chimes are permanently stuck in the "on" position, as they were brought to Peru as tools of psychological warefare in a poorly thought-out CIA coup attempt. The workers at the bottom of the mountain who load the paper onto cargo planes keep trying to tell the cargo plane pilots to bring out some less egregiously inappropriate forms of transportation, but the pilots don't listen, as they are eager to take off and not be caught in the daily avalanche.

"Ball-Bearing-Filled Hallway Therapy Clowns" - There is a ward at St. Ignatius Children's Hospital in Bronxville, NY devoted entirely to children with Pranksterism. Pranksterism is a very real, very rare mental condition that causes children to behave like Dennis The Menace or the kid from "Home Alone." Unfortunately, the St. Ignatius Children's Hospital building used to be a roller skate factory, and the Pranksterism ward's storage area still contains over fifty drums of unused ball-bearings. The patients of the ward compulsively release torrents of ball-bearings into the hallway, making it impossible for doctors and nurses to reach and treat them. The only thing that calms the children enough to stop releasing ball-bearings is a visit from the hospital's crack staff of "laugh therapy" clowns, yet the large surface area of the clowns' clown shoes makes them uniquely bad at walking on ball-bearings, as the more ball-bearings that get trapped under a shoe, the more violent the resulting pratfall. It is hoped that the children can be calmed, treated, and cured as quickly as possible, as one of the children knows a more efficient method for making smoothies, and his traumatic Pranksterism is thought to be the only thing stopping him from revealing it.

"Women Drivers" - I have this one in my back pocket in case all the History Channel executives are fired and replaced by hacky Fifties comedians.

Posted by DC at July 1, 2007 11:04 PM


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