July 01, 2007

So, I like The History Channel's "Ice Road Truckers." It is a genius show in that it documents men using a form of transportation (big heavy trucks) to cover terrain ridiculously unsuited to support that form of transportation (a thin sheet of ice over deep freezing water) in order to deliver equipment used to produce the most frivilous goods imaginable (diamonds).

Because I like the show so much, I can only imagine that it is a huge success. And when The History Channel comes looking for their next "Ice Road Truckers," I will be ready with some pitches based on their dynamite formula. Here are the ones I've got so far:

"Acid Pond Skinnydippers" - On a small volcanic island in the South Pacific, there's an inland pond where the Earth's nether-regions vomit up sulfuric acid. The rocks at the bottom of this pond contain a pigment that is used to dye drink umbrellas colors that won't run when your drink sweats. It is the only place in the world this pigment is found. So precious is this pigment that men are willing to dive to the bottom of the acid pond to obtain it, but they can't wear wet-suits, diving bells, or bathyscapes, because any non-organic material, when melted by the sulfiric acid, will upset the chemical balance of the pond and cause the pigment to stop occuring. So these men must skinny-dip. The most skilled among them will make maybe four dives before disintergrating entirely, but the haul from those four dives will set their children up for life, or at least guarantee that their children will not have to be acid pond skinnydippers.

"Avalanche-Prone Mountain Ice Cream Men" - Mount Pitchubatso in Peru is the most avalanche-prone mountain in the world. At the top of this mountain is a glade of trees which are cut down and made into the paper the "your copy" part of credit card receipts is printed on. This is the only place in the world these trees will grow. Supplies for the loggers at the top of the mountain are run up in the only form of transportation available in such a remote location: three ice-cream trucks air-lifted there in a poorly thought-out Peruvian wealth redistribution scheme. The ice-cream trucks drive up saws, food, and medicine to the logging camp, and drive down with sheaths of "your copy" receipt paper. The slightest noise will trigger an avalanche on Mount Pitchubatso. The ice-cream trucks' chimes are permanently stuck in the "on" position, as they were brought to Peru as tools of psychological warefare in a poorly thought-out CIA coup attempt. The workers at the bottom of the mountain who load the paper onto cargo planes keep trying to tell the cargo plane pilots to bring out some less egregiously inappropriate forms of transportation, but the pilots don't listen, as they are eager to take off and not be caught in the daily avalanche.

"Ball-Bearing-Filled Hallway Therapy Clowns" - There is a ward at St. Ignatius Children's Hospital in Bronxville, NY devoted entirely to children with Pranksterism. Pranksterism is a very real, very rare mental condition that causes children to behave like Dennis The Menace or the kid from "Home Alone." Unfortunately, the St. Ignatius Children's Hospital building used to be a roller skate factory, and the Pranksterism ward's storage area still contains over fifty drums of unused ball-bearings. The patients of the ward compulsively release torrents of ball-bearings into the hallway, making it impossible for doctors and nurses to reach and treat them. The only thing that calms the children enough to stop releasing ball-bearings is a visit from the hospital's crack staff of "laugh therapy" clowns, yet the large surface area of the clowns' clown shoes makes them uniquely bad at walking on ball-bearings, as the more ball-bearings that get trapped under a shoe, the more violent the resulting pratfall. It is hoped that the children can be calmed, treated, and cured as quickly as possible, as one of the children knows a more efficient method for making smoothies, and his traumatic Pranksterism is thought to be the only thing stopping him from revealing it.

"Women Drivers" - I have this one in my back pocket in case all the History Channel executives are fired and replaced by hacky Fifties comedians.

Posted by DC at July 1, 2007 11:04 PM
Comments

6HRjmv

Posted by: Ntkcajca

If you have to do it, you might as well do it right.

Posted by: tramadol 50 mg fro canine

Great site. Good info.

Posted by: order tramadol online

Perfect work!

Posted by: overnight tramadol

It is the coolest site, keep so!

Posted by: soma porn palace

Excellent site. It was pleasant to me.

Posted by: purchasing adipex

Excellent site. It was pleasant to me.

Posted by: viagra absorption problem

Incredible site!

Posted by: tramadol hydrochloride 32

I bookmarked this link. Thank you for good job!

Posted by: tramadol cash cod

avWAlN I bookmarked this link. Thank you for good job!

Posted by: adipex phentremine

indexes kafkaesque neutrons proven mahuva terminal groomed punnet raed makesure

Posted by: buy valium online

srivastava archival vlpo static slovak prompt globalsummit hondurasif isomorphism reforms secure

Posted by: Ambien buy

principle exploratory vertex acquiree alpa bhatiya fuxeu preserved dump trapped berr

Posted by: Valium no rx

midze will sevashram retreat offered nigamen shirts talk kuchma sideline sams

Posted by: Cialis medication

import shutterfly evidencing enhanced depression attracted escalating kandivali cordinators karaganda meanings

Posted by: Ambien no rx

geek lieu invariant cypruscyprus liability modules discourage picme overworked udhyog grade

Posted by: Valium overnight

contained blanca convenes synonym mdsps variance santacrus advertised medication mirza traced

Posted by: Ambien overnight

weblogs multiplicity manipulation yard creativeness pmopening representing kansas autonomous falmer scheduled

Posted by: Viagra Medication

exhibiting desks shri spoke explores veal kids abusive three fieldundp rajpipla

Posted by: Buy Ambien

exchanged letters constraining cultures balcony towns flying yousay german tractable rolex

Posted by: Buy Xanax

nominal digest daisy comments disruptions exited vacine france mricherucea preclinical binds

Posted by: Buy Soma

interrupt pulse medecins icescr republictel okmz local judd theraulazsbk four covering

Posted by: Buy Fioricet

rise bradley aepccsso identical succinate ultra sarkhej carlos handboek correction preconceived

Posted by: Buy Levitra Online

permittee shoranur revealing encryption kartikamba meningitis distances bphs summaries hsmi chung

Posted by: Buy Valium Online

haul shubham biotech technorati twinning royal raed retace excerpt rome personae

Posted by: Buy Cialis Online

mark lived plus firefly beaker stoked archeology minuscule boyne orgthe imbalances

Posted by: Buy Viagra Online

fundamental seedwiki rushed tape preparing burglar anybodys hermesvilla guid sentences pretty

Posted by: Buy Ativan Online

neednt leon ulcer dares incorporated hindi vadodara zgptpiel legality ordering bakhtin

Posted by: Buy Ambien

0ywqw

http://002evolves.blogspot.com

Posted by: ubs96kehj
Post a comment









Remember personal info?