June 26, 2007


I have spent most of the last couple weeks thinking the above words, but miraculously I'm still here.

I haven't FELT like I'm gonna die, just a little sick in weird ways, which, with the full benefit of my imagination, has allowed me to convince myself I'm gonna die. Or at least have my face amputated.

First my nose hurt. Then my sinuses. My ex-girlfriend: "I saw a guy on Ripley's Believe It Or Not who felt like that, and he had a weird fungus in his nose and they had to cut his face off!" I convinced myself I had a weird nose fungus and the doctor would be along shortly to seperate me from my face. We drank and watched "Annie Hall" 'cause watching other hypochondriacs' movies makes me feel better when I'm being a hypochondriac, like perhaps I will survive to make my own hypochondriac movies. "It's okay," she said, "the guy on the show also had really bad headaches." My sinuses stopped hurting. Cue the headaches, and with them, numerous imaginary scenes of stand-up bits I could do like a fat guy does bits about being fat, except a faceless dude doing bits about not having a face.

Naturally, I didn't go to the doctor for a full week, because part of the fun of being a hypochondriac is also being a skeptic. "You're fine," I told myself. "Nothing is wrong! You feel fine right now." This would bring on another weird headache, but the thing about headaches is, because they're in your head, it's not that hard to imagine them being imaginary. I mean, your imagination would not have to travel far from your brain to create the illusion of a headache.

The other thing about headaches is, they're near your brain, so you can convince yourself something is really wrong.

When I did go to the doctor, she couldn't find anything wrong, prescribed some sinus stuff...and told me to see a neurologist if it continues.

Dude! Do not casually refer someone to a neurologist! Especially not a dude who has just confessed to you he googles his symptoms to shore up his crazy theories about what malady he is afflicted with important-sounding medical terms from Wikipedia! The neurologist is not the everything's-cool doctor! That dude fucks with your think-mound! No news is good news in that area, and he is paid to have news!

Mostly I just feel selfish and stupid. I know (and have known) people who are actually sick, and they are way braver with real problems than I am when I go through these wholly fantastical I'm-gonna-die things, which happen about once a year.

The hypochondriac in me is pretty sure I will be diagnosed with something horrific as punishment for writing this. The skeptic is curb-stomping the hypochondriac and going "There's your headache, dickface."

Posted by DC at June 26, 2007 11:11 PM


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