ham fisted theatrics

Every schoolboy knows that the heart is the most important organ in the body: It is the home of the immortal soul, the seat of the mind, the producer of bile, the performer of breathing and other lung-like functions, and many reputable doctors now believe that, in its spare time, the heart may have a hand in the pumping of blood.

No wonder, then, that this busy little muscle might run down, like an overtaxed steam engine or the shoes of a hobo.

But the heart-having public must not fear, for Professor J.T. Anderthorpe, world-renowned purveyor of things and a person of some standing in reputable circles, has created an All-Purpose Heart Tonic. The Professor has fused two schools of medical thought: the dark and ancient secrets of the Orient, and the scientific soundness of modern alchemy.

Professor Anderthorpe’s wondrous tonic has been approved for the treatment of all heart-based ailments, including:

Bootblack’s Complaint

Milkmaid’s Ambivalence

Twenty-something’s Despair

Chinaman’s Knee

Negro’s Cough

Chinamen’s Negro

Shooting Pains From Behind The Eyeball To Just Below The Gizzard

Hunger Pangs Upon Waking

Pangs Of Guilt Upon Waking One's Roommate

Pangs Of Guilt Upon Walking Past The Homeless

Inexplicable Buzzing Sensation In The Ears

Inexplicable Buzzing Up Of Strangers To A Party

Inexplicable Urge To Grab A Policeman’s Gun

Prospector’s Regret

Philosophy Major’s Regret

The Regret That No Doubt Comes In The Half-Second Before You Die And The Mind Becomes A Two-Way Radio To Heaven And The Meaning Of Life Is Revealed To You But It Is Too Late To Do Anything About It

Sudden Shortness Of Breath

Sudden Shortness Of Height

Sudden Drunken Conviction That Everybody At This Party Hates You, Including The Strangers You Buzzed Up

Sudden Drunken Conviction That Everybody At This Party Loves You, Now That You’ve Had More To Drink

Sudden Realization That The Strangers Have Stolen Your DVD Player

Waitress’ Error

Part-Time Waitress' Terror

Terror At The Very Real Prospect Of Burnout By The Age Of Thirty

Terror At Thirty When You’ve Achieved Your Dreams And, Well, Now What?

Terror At The Thought Of Having Children With Someone Who Must Inevitably Have Catastrophic Personality Explosions Buried Deep Within Them Because Lord Knows You Do

Heart Cancer

Dog Groomer’s Reluctance

Reluctance To Wear A Sweater In Case It Proves To Be Too Warm Outside And You Have To Walk Around Carrying Your Sweater Like A Chump

Reluctance To Commit To A Thought Or An Action Without Apologizing Profusely For Even Being So Bold As To Have A Thought Or Take An Action

Stunt Pilot’s Boldness

Old Person’s Oldness

The Creeping Fear Of Mortality That Accompanies Interactions With The Elderly

The Creeping Guilt Which Accompanies The Creeping Fear Of Mortality That Accompanies Interactions With The Elderly

Lounge Singer’s Accompaniment

Inability To Sleep For The Recommended Eight Hours, Resulting Alternately In The Sleeping Of Four Hours, Twelve Hours, Or No Hours At All

Inability To Tolerate In Others What One So Freely Allows In Oneself

Inability To See The Forest For The Trees

Lumberjack’s Eyeball

Lumberjack’s Shirt From An Unfortunate Eighth-Grade Flirtation With Plaid Because No Other Clothes Are Clean

American’s Guilt At Complaining When There Is, In The Grand Scheme Of Things, Nothing To Complain About

Netflix Subscriber’s Guilt At Not Sending The Movies Back Fast Enough

Freelancer’s Anxiety

Retailer’s Obesity

Chinaman’s Heart Cancer

For all these ailments and twelve score more, J.T. Anderthorpe’s Heart Tonic Is Just The Thing.

It Keeps The Humors In Balance, The Engine On The Rails, And The Shoes On The Hobo.