ham fisted theatrics

What are you listening to? Is that a new beat? Is it yours? It sounds amazing. Let me all the way into your apartment so I can hear it.

The lady in 4C buzzed me up. I couldn’t remember what apartment number you were in so I just started hitting random buttons. I TRIED calling you but you probably couldn’t hear over your phone over that AMAZING beat. Seriously, is it yours?

What do you mean “I look tired?” That’s a terrible thing to say to a woman: “You look tired.”

I KNOW you were just trying to be sympathetic, but it just comes across as “You look old.”

I KNOW I don’t look old. Why would I look old? I mean, I’m not. Anyway, it’s probably just the terrible lighting in the hallway. Let me in already, silly!

Oh, guest shmest! I’m sure whoever’s in there would be just thrilled to say they met ME. Like, “I was at Tron’s apartment--yes, THAT Tron--and guess who dropped by?”

I mean, unless it’s, like, a hookup thing. But if you listen to your own beats while you’re doing THAT, I have to say, Tron, that’s pretty narcissistic. Anyway, that sounds like more of a club jam than a slow jam. Ohmigod, that totally reminds me, I could really use a club jam for my new album!

Well if she’s not naked then what’s the PROBLEM!?

I’m not HIGH! If you would read the parts of Us Weekly that don’t pertain directly to YOUR social life, Tron, you would know that I’m four months sober and hard at work on¾

It’s NOT a comeback album. My publicist told me not to call it a comeback album because that implies that I have something I need to come back from. I thought we should call it my “still here” album but she didn’t like that because she thought it would make people think of some depressing person hanging around at the end of a party who won’t leave, and I would NEVER hang around where I wasn’t wanted.

Why are you laughing? What’s so funny about that? And what’s this new track that’s playing-- it’s even better than the last one! YOU CAN TOTALLY SPARE ONE OF THEM, CAN’T YOU?

I’M NOT SCREAMING!

Oh, hello, Myra.

Listen, sweetheart, you can put whatever name you want on your albums, I read in the New York Post that your real name is Myra.

I’m not TIRED. It’s just the terrible lighting in this hallway.

Why am I standing here? Tron just wanted me to hear his amazing new tracks in the hallway it’s a totally unique acoustic setting, isn’t that right, Tron?

Tron, you’re such a kidder. Of course that’s why I’m still standing here. The question is, why are YOU standing in there?

What do you mean, tracks for your new album? You just came out with a new album! It’s in the top freaking ten, not that I pay any attention to things like that- my publicist says the charts are like, totally not representative of what music people are actually listening to.

This song that just started playing-- I call this one! This one is mine!

Okay, well, the first one to touch their nose gets this song for their new album! HA, I win.

Of course you’re not playing. I wouldn’t touch your nose either, if I were you, it’s probably all raw from coke and stuff.

OW! Tron, are you just going to let her hit me?

Fine, fine! Keep all the songs for yourself! There are plenty of superproducers in this town who would love to have their beats on my TRIUMPHANT RETURN album. I’ll just call DJ Tripwire, or The Gandhis!

Hey Tron…do you have the number for DJ Tripwire, or The Gandhis?

Shut up, Myra! I didn’t ask you! If I need the number for some producers, I ask Tron. If I need the number for Coked-Up Underage Skanks Anonymous, I’ll ask you.

OW! Tron, you know, you’re legally responsible for her assaulting me! This is your property!

Well, no, the hallway’s not your property, but once you let me in, if she tries anything, I swear to God--

No, well, it’s a good thing you’re not letting me in! Because I would destroy that bitch! That’s right, go hide, MYRA!

But seriously…after she leaves, I’ll come back and you can play me your REAL beats, not just these second-rate ones you’re playing for what’s-her-name in there.

Really? Well, you can just make up some new ones. I’ll go to Starbucks and walk around a little and come back tonight.

You won’t be here tonight? How about later this week?

You’re in Paris all week? That sounds fun. Can I crash here while you’re gone?

Tron? TRON?