ham fisted theatrics

Sorry: I don't mean little! You're HUGE, bro! Since your big sister and I started going out two years ago, I swear you've grown, like, 30 inches! You must be KILLIN' IT with all the ladies at Millard Fillmore Junior High! I went there too: Is Mrs. Geisler still, like, a total bitch?

I know you and I don't really talk much because your sister and I are pretty much always in her room. You and I would totally hang out more, but you seem like such a cool kid who has his own thing goin' on, I don't wanna mess with that! Your sister says you have Easy Mac and watch Pokemon every day after school. Awesome! Routines are awesome! Besides, you probably don't wanna be bothered by some old dude like me. Get this: I'm gonna be 19 in November! I like, might as well be your grandpa, huh?

But from now on, if you wanna hang out, I'm totally down for whatever. I usually have lacrosse practice Monday through Thursday after school, but I'm free pretty much any other time! Give me a call (my cell is 602-555-1027) or hit me on AIM at _LucasLacs07_. We could catch a movie or whatever. Even something R-rated: if the theater tries to stop you from going in, we can just say you're MY little brother. (Or your grandpa! Remember? Like I said before!)

But I'd be way surprised if you even had time to hang out with me: seems like you're pretty popular! Going over to people's houses to hang out all the time! That was you hanging out at Chad Thurmington's house yesterday, right? Oh, hey, that reminds me: if you could not say anything to your sister about what you saw when you accidentally walked into Chad's sister Lindsay's room, that would be awesome! I mean, you're already awesome, but that's no reason to STOP being awesome, just because you saw your sister's boyfriend for two years being ATTACKED by Lindsay Thurmington. That's right: Lindsay Thurmington ATTACKED me. I was just helping her with her Economics project (Economics is a class we have in high school) when she just JUMPED on me. You know how crazy she is: Chad's probably told you! I had to take my belt off to restrain her, which is why my pants were down. I know it looked like sex: I'm not gonna pretend you're too young to know what sex is. Hell, you're so cool, you've probably done it like, fifty times! (I wish this were real life instead of a letter, 'cause I'd give you a high five right now!)

So if it wasn't sex, why am I so worried about you telling your sister? I mean, I was just defending myself, right? (I definitely WAS.) Here's why: if your sister heard that somebody attacked me, she would definitely go after them and KICK their ASS. You know how your sister is: she KICKS ASS, just like you! In fact, your whole family KICKS ASS! I'm sure even if it's just in her Pilates class, your mom KICKS ASS. And even though no one knows where your dad is, I'm sure wherever he is, he's KICKING some ASS! And even if she straight up attacked me, Lindsay needs professional help, not her ass kicked by your awesome sister who I love very much and would never, ever cheat on, ever.

Anyway, back to the point of this letter: remember when I said I was almost 19? That mean's I'm 18! And 18 means I can buy cigarettes and porn! So if you or any of your friends ever need anything like that, definitely give me a call! But don't tell your sister or your mom: you don't want me to get my ASS KICKED, right? Ha ha!

Sincerely,
Luke