ham fisted theatrics

After school Randy and Chris and me were all behind Safeway, skating. Sarah and Christina were there. Randy was taping it so if any of us did something awesome or fell really hard we could put it up on YouTube. I bought Sarah a Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper and I was like “I don’t even see why you drink that stuff, it just basically tastes like Dr. Pepper,” and she was like “I dunno, I just like it!” and we were definitely getting into some flirting and she was mad impressed with our skating and I was definitely working up the nerve to ask her to the Winter Formal when all the sudden there’s this really bright light and this, like, archangel or something shows up on a big white horse and looks right at me and he’s all like “BEHOLD, LUCIFER! I AM HE WHO IS CALLED I! THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA!” and all this shit.

Imagine your mom showing up to pick you up in a van, except, like, an infinite amount of times more embarrassing. Randy and Chris and Sarah and Christina were like “We’ll catch you later.” I tried to explain that it would still be The End Times tomorrow and I could just put off battling the Armies of the Lord until then, and we could all still hang out, but they were all gone, pretty much, except for Randy who was putting his camera back in its case.

The archangel was all “GET THEE BEHIND ME, SATAN!” and Randy was like, “Ha ha ha. He wants you to get behind him so you can fuck him. Fag.”

And I was like “Shut up!” but Randy couldn’t hear me because of the stupid trumpets of the angels causing the mountains to rumble and the seas to boil and shit like that.


One time I was in the car with Randy and Chris and we were listening to this song by The Used where the chorus is like “At the end of the world…” and Chris was like “I fucking love this song” and I was like “Guys, I’m sorry in advance.”