ham fisted theatrics

I wish we had a college football team, college football is so much damn fun. Can NYU trade some of our mySpace-profile-in-search-of-a-personality artistes for a buncha hulking dudes who are either cornfed Nebraska types or have dreadlocks and names like DeClive? Can we build a subterranean football stadium where kids who would otherwise be in their dorm rooms watching "Family Guy" and disapproving of stuff could paint themselves purple and call for the blood of the opposing team?

We barely even have a marching band. I think we have a jazz ensemble that plays at basketball games. I do not want a band that knows a clever funky rendition of "Paranoid Android." I want a band that only knows "History of Rock n' Roll Part I" and "Iron Man." And would it kill us to have a bonfire?

All I'm saying is, nobody at my school is offered an easy scholastic time of it in exchange for their performance on the gridiron, and we have nobody to knock up our cheerleaders. And I think that's a problem.


Somewhat related: At schools like Florida State where a great deal of their football ritual is based around doing the Tomahawk Chop, does everybody end up with one arm that's significantly buffer than the other one? Comment below if your school ever had a delightfully racist mascot and you can offer some insight.

Tsar - "I Don't Wanna Break Up" (right click/save as)