October 13, 2002

They say God has a plan for all of us.

I'm not so sure about that. I think they may have gotten the name wrong. God, I don't know. But sure as shit Lothario Japan has a plan for all of us.

One week after he bought the orphanage and every last orphan in it, he's already grooming prospects. I see him down in the basement one afternoon, training this little Puerto Rican kid in throwing knives.

"Knives," he explains, "are the only truly silent projectile weapon."

"What about arrows?" the kid asks. Sharp kid. I would've asked the same thing, if either of them knew I was there, standing in the doorway.

"Not arrows. Knives." He chucks one and it plants itself dead center on a picture of the Pope, who's on the front page of the newspaper, which is push-pinned into drywall across the room. I don't think Lothario Japan has anything against the Pope. He may, in fact, be Catholic. I've never asked.

After a few more, the kid's starting to get it. At first he hits the masthead, then the little box with the current temperature, the "ears," as they're called, then the headline reading "Mayor promises corruption crackdown." I know what all these things are called, the things the kid's dissecting with whizzing knives, I was a journalism major. Before too long he's planting them in the Pope's miter. I know what that's called, too, I minored in Comparative Hat Studies. What can I say, it was a weird school.

I go back upstairs, so do Lothario and the kid, before too long. "Not bad, Ernesto, not bad at all," says Lothario Japan. Ernesto's holding the shredded newspaper like a trophy buck, but he drops it as soon as one of the orphans comes in and yells something about a really big bug out back. They both dash out the kitchen door. "That kid's really going to be something," says Lothario Japan.

I pick up the newspaper. The Pope, for the size of his picture, just gets a caption and a jumpline. The top story is the one about the mayor, him promising to come down hard on the city's "pimps, pushers, purveyors of pornography" with "renewed vigor." Of course, with the rips from the knives it looks like "renexed vigot," but those aren't really words. For such an important story, it has a really weak lead. I'm a journalism major, I know these things. Something about the Mayor reading to underprivileged children at the big public library downtown in three weeks.

I don't know if you know anything about libraries, but I spent a lot of time in them as a kid. And the one thing they emphasize is above all else, snooty witchy librarians tapping on signs, is quiet. Every kid knows that. All the kids at the Mayor's underpriveleged reading day sure did. So when a little Puerto Rican boy in the back row stood up and, from a distance of thirty or so feet, stuck a knife right between the Mayor's eyes just as he was turning the page, it's not like he was breaking the rules. The rules about being quiet, anyway. It was so quiet that before anyone figured out where it came from, he was able to slip out the big revolving doors and book the fifteen blocks back to the orphanage and squeeze through a hole in the fence.

His eyes light up when he sees something in you, like the arc of that kid's throw. That's why I don't waste time worrying about God's plan for us. I know Lothario Japan has one that's much more interesting.

Previous adventures of Lothario Japan: Fat Chick Heart Attack

Posted by DC at October 13, 2002 11:31 PM
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