July 15, 2005

Nothing instantaneously alters your late-afternoon plans like having a pigeon in the park shit on your head.

There you are, half-reading your book on hair metal, half-eavesdropping on a supergay kid a bench down on his cellphone eagerly planning a cocaine rendezvous, when something hits your head, like a raindrop with purpose. And you want so badly for it to be a raindrop or condensation or the trees above or anything that you actually read the next three or four sentences of your book as you faux-casually reach up and drag your head for evidence. Then you look up and see the two pigeons above you on a wire, cover what you imagine to be the offending mass with the other side of your hair and walk home fast.

When I looked in the mirror in my room I just a single white streak in my hair, which I imagine is a mark of worldiness and distinction in certain homeless circles.

On the plus side, now I get to repeat the shower-wet-hair and computing-in-my-underpants portion of my day, which is always my favorite. And in the shower I was reminded of the MF DOOM line "Drop dead joints hit the whips like birdshit/they need it like a whole in they head, or a third tit," and I never realized before how deeply he rhymes in that line (dead/head) so I suppose there is no suffering without some knowledge gained. Y'know, besides the knowledge that life is inherently ridiculous.

I'm in a very music-geek mood 'cause when the shit hit the proverbial fan (if you go back and actually read the proverb, the fan is my head) I was finishing Chuck Klosterman's Fargo Rock City. He takes much the same tack I favor: Pop music isn't bad because it's dumb, and it isn't good because it's dumb, it's just dumb and good and you don't even have to appreciate it ironically, in fact, if you are, you're cheating yourself, you can just fucking enjoy it and apologize to exactly nobody. That said, I was expecting more drunken North Dakota heavy metal anecdotes, but that turned out to be kind of the point, there WAS no heavy metal scene in his town of 500, it was a scene that took place entirely inside your bedroom, in your imagination. And he liked Motley Crue for the same reason I like Jay Z: we cannot relate. Good book. Now on to a biography of Boss Tweed.

My life is basically: wake up too late, eat something with chicken salad in it, read, ocassionally babysit or bartend, do comedy, drink, do comedy, write, sleep when the sun comes up.

And now, the cell phone conversation this fearless reporter took a poo-shot to the head to bring you, in its one-sided entirety, recorded live and direct to utterly unreliable memory. Here it is: "Affeminate Kid Is Enthused About Narcotics."

It was like, so fun! I know, it was like, so fun! We have to do it again! I know! It was like, so fun! When can we do it again? I know, we'll like, go to a club! (pause)Do you think we'll have any trouble getting it here? (pause) Oh, Caroline knows somebody? (pause) It was just like, so fun! (pause) Oh, you have to! You literally have to! (pause) I know, to like, think that that mirror is like, still in her house, and her parents like, look into it every day! (pause) I know, it's like, the best, you're like, up for anything! (pause) No, I haven't, have you done it yet? I dunno, I'm like, kind of nervous. I think Nicole's done it. Do you think she would be-- (pause) I know, it's like, if you have someone there that's already done it, then they're like, cool, and it's just-

He left around this point and a minute later I got my head pooped on.

Do this weekend up.

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