June 13, 2005

Barring incidents and accidents, I am in New York 'till December.

I was what Gethard called "voluntarily homeless" for a month. I slept on Dominic and Dan's couch for a week when I got back from Phoenix, where I was for the eight days after school let out. Then I drove down to South Carolina in a big van with the UCB TourCo. We watched feardotcom in the van on the VHS; we bought the tape at a truck stop. Everybody brought DVDs, turned out they were useless. When everybody was asleep I played DJ on my iPod in the passenger seat. It was hooked into the van stereo with a tape adapter. Eli requested "mellow driving music" at around five AM, when the sun was starting to make field-fog glow.

My favorite Southern placename is Hopewell Emporia. I'm not sure if they're two cities on the same sign or one unit.

I bought a Piggly Wiggly t-shirt for nine dollars, so did Bobby. Youth mediums are way bigger in the South. On my last night there I flirted embarrasingly with the cute cashier, trying to get her to come to our party. I am not Vince Vaughn. But I do have Farrah Fawcett's haircut, accidentally, so that's something. Leigh (the cashier) never called to find out where the party was, and today on the subway back from a barbeque at Gregor's, a guy was wearing a Piggly Wiggly t-shirt in a different color. I was wearing mine. All the subway cars in the whole city. We were sitting right across from each other. He was reading a first aid manual. Signs and wonders. It signifies there are at least two people in New York City who mistakenly think their choice of shirts is both clever and unique, but we knew this already.

South Carolina was fucking amazing. We stayed in a beach house and all we had to do was go do shows every night for packed and receptive audiences. I thought it justified drunk dialing if you're standing in the ocean when you do it, but this is apparently not true. I did it to like five people. Nothing justifies drunk dialing.

Then two Tuesdays ago Fran and Gethard and I drove back up 13 hours to New York. I slept on Donald's floor for four hours, then got up and got on a plane to Detroit to meet my family to fly to Rome. My life is so fucking ridiculous, it practically makes up for how I couldn't sleep tonight because my room was too hot and I think I have a summer cold, and no Kleenex 'cause I just moved in, and I spent five hours trying to negotiate NYU's retard-o internet hookup. Wait. Yes. It definitely makes up for those things. I will write about Rome later. It is, as they say, on a whole 'nother tip.

The shower is still running from when I went in there to read my book and attempt to get so sweaty my room would feel cool. I don't have a roommate yet, but I'm trying not to do too much I-don't-have-a-roommate type shit because theoretical dude could move in any second unannounced. The craziest thing I have done so far is leave the shower on while I sat in my underpants and wrote on my website as the sun rose.

I decided "nope, I'm definitely not sleeping yet" when there was a woman screaming "Help! Help!" down on Broadway, standing in the middle of the street. I couldn't see her when I went to the window at first, and an interesting theory I got to develop last sememester with a fight-y sports bar underneath my window is you can hear shouting on the street better in bed. When you go to the window to check shit out the words become more indistinct. At first it looked like a guy had come up to help this woman, and took her to the sidewalk and appeared to be comforting her. Then she started screaming and he shook her, yelling, "You're running away! You're running away!" Then the cops pulled up.

I thought I heard more screaming later when I was trying to sleep on the floor, where I figured it would be cooler, and I still have to go by sheets and a pillow so my mattress is very uncomfortable. There was nobody when I went to the window; it was quiet. There's cooler air out there but no circulation. I laid back down on the floor.

I looked up at orange reflected light on the ceiling and thought, it is the season of passion crimes.

If anybody wants to take up residence in a one-room apartment in Hell's Kitchen, wear a flimsy cheap-looking flower print dress, and have knock-down-drag-out jealousy-and-inexpensive-gin fueled fights that cause the neighbors to bang on the ceiling with broomsticks, holler at your boy. Angry sex will also be on the menu. You can look up at the slowly turning WWII era ceiling fan, and we can smoke Viceroys afterwards, assuming they still make those. Give me at least a week's notice so I can get good at growing five o'clock shadows, aquire and properly age a wifebeater with yellowy stains and cigarette burns (the closest thing I have right now is a grey Hanes t-shirt on which I wrote "Biggie Smalls For Mayor" in permanent marker, it may have to suffice.) Also I will have to use the week to both work up a markedly unspectacular bare-knuckle boxing career, severe alcoholism, and cast an Italian mother to whom I am extremely loyal and very resentful, who calls me a "bum" and with whom I get in shouting matches that end with me leaving via the fire escape while she grips a rosary in one hand and a sauce-tipped wooden stirring spoon in the other.

If this sounds like something you might be interested in, you know where I can be reached. Those not named Verna or Lillian, who do not wear too much dimestore makeup, who are not prone to throwing lamps or breakable kitchenware in a fit of pique, or do not have brassy theme music that indicates that trouble is a dame and that dame is you need not apply.

Posted by DC at June 13, 2005 04:05 AM
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