May 20, 2005

The first one is the showiest. I sit in the empty upper balcony of the hotel theater, set up between tables where tan old ladies would be sitting if anybody real were playing, count ceiling tiles through fake Frankie Valle and fake Bobby Darin. Then the big guy comes out, in early period costume. Wonder if the hair is real. Doubt it. Wonder if he would do costume changes as he progressed through the songbook, but I don't give him the chance. Halfway through "Hound Dog" I draw a bead on his exposed chest, tuft of chest hair, gaudy medallion, squeeze. The THWAP-THWAP-THWAP reminds me of the paintball guns we've been working on, but that isn't paint on fake Elvis. The band doesn't stop because there's no band, just a tape that keeps playing. Old ladies on the ground floor scream and scatter. I leave the apparatus where it is, smoking, it's not like there's not more where that came from, and it's a neat calling card, no prints.

I'm rocketing across golden Vegas rooftops before there are even sirens.

Intense hooker negotiations before number two, in front of the All-Nite Wedding Chapel. Isn't the get-up a little much, she says. The only thing I think is a little much is her lip, I tell her. And besides, she says, I don't do fat guys. Nobody's gonna do anything, I say, she just has to go in and play along, no one's gonna end up hitched. I mention an indiscretion of hers from last week there's no way I could know about, she screams and slaps away, but stops right around the time five one-hundred dollar bills materialize, and I tell her there's another five where that came from when this is all over. She can be back on the Strip in a half an hour.

We fill out a few forms at the front desk. Nadine the hooker uses a fake name. The receptionist accuses me of doing the same. Then she ushers us into the chapel where the big guy comes out of a back door onto the altar, Styrofoam coffee cup in one hand, velvet Bible in the other. This guy is late-period, has the paunch to back it up. He clears his throat, looks me up and down, but he's in no position to ridicule. I smile. Nadine lights up.

The receptionist is also the organist, she starts into "Hawaiian Wedding Song." The paperwork promised we would get this guy's rendition of "I Can't Help Falling In Love With You" upon completion of the ceremony, but again, I don't give him the chance.

Do you, uh huh, uh huh, he says, Debbie, take-- and I flip the Bible up and out of his hand, just to see how sharp I am, and in one motion pull a Desert Eagle from my generous waistband. Four holes in the good book, four in Father Presley. Maybe the receptionist screams, I doubt Nadine does, anyway I ghost before either happens. I leave a Bowie knife in the VIVA LAS VEGAS! movie poster in the antechamber. Nadine will find her other five bills in her g-string on her next trick, no idea how I got them there.

I can't believe my luck: On Sunday there's a goddamn Elvis impersonator convention in town. I slip in the hotel on Saturday night and do a few piano-wires in the rooms (three, four, five) then get six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven and twelve via plastic explosive rigged beneath the the speaker's platform during the USING THE POWER OF THE INTERNET TO MAXIMIZE YOUR KING POTENTIAL panel. Then I get the hell out of town, fast, like I do everything.

Apparently in the platform collapse I fatally crushed the webmaster of, the number one Elvis impersonator website in the continental US, so his apprentice has taken over and posted an all-points-bulletin including a map of the US showing my reign of terror, Elvis heads everywhere I've struck, morbid. A big cluster over Vegas, two in Memphis. I see they missed the truckstop outside of Cleveland and the Indian casino in Jersey, which leads me to believe those were renegade Elvi, not in the guild. On the KingsMen message boards, which features users with handles like SuspiciousMindz and ComebackSpecial68, a debate is raging about how I hit the convention in Vegas Sunday morning when my first Memphis hit occurred outside of Graceland at 2 pm Sunday afternoon, a daylight drive-by. Somebody named JailhouseC0ck propagates a second-shooter theory.

The next two (thirteen, fourteen) are both packing: clearly, word is spreading that their number is up. Either way, I leave that Waffle House bathroom very bloody and add to my collection of tinted, gold-plated aviator glasses. I consider scalping pompadours, reconsider after mulling over a couple of factors: one, most Elvises are bald, two, that's a serial killer thing, and I'm not a serial killer, I'm on a mission. I die a little bit every time one of them dies, a little disappointed, but I don't stay disappointed for long.

I follow the big guy onto a train to the coast, anticipating number fifteen. He has a car all to himself, interesting. I kick the door open and he lunges for a big fucking Magnum, I turn to the chunk it takes out of the wall and think, yea, that thing could blow open a TV set easy. I throw a knife, he catches it. He scissor-kicks me, surprisingly nimble. Drives the knife in the floor next to my head, rakes my nose with his boot-heel. Asks what the hell I think I'm doing. I pull a semiautomatic from where it's strapped to my ankle, he takes the slugs like a champ, doesn't even flinch.

This is the real deal. If my hunch is correct, and of course my hunch is correct, I know next-to-everything, I won't be able to kill him. That's why I had to kill all those others, to find out which one I couldn't kill. I am a little starstruck, and I don't get starstruck.

He is confused when I don't bleed. Why the costume, he asks.

No costume, I say.

I pistol-whip him to the floor as getback for the boot to the face, he looks up: I've made the hangdog expression semi-permanent.

He asks again why I'm doing this.

Knowledge, I say. Why we do anything. You are a myth, and it's a lonely life being a myth. Chalk it up to that, I say, if you want. Loneliness.

He says, Do you know what it's like being a myth?

Yup, I say.

Do I have any idea, he says, what it's like when the more you dress like yourself the more people will be sure it's not you, just someone imitating you?

Absolutely, I say.

He says, Why didn't I get that air rifle I wanted when I was seven?

But he doesn't get an answer, because I lay a finger aside my nose and that same second, I'm on top of the train, lighting a Kool, radioing for the sleigh.

Posted by DC at May 20, 2005 04:28 PM

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.

Posted by: premature ejaculation


Posted by: Pwwriipt

Very interesting site. Hope it will always be alive!

Posted by: what is tramadol rss feed

Incredible site!

Posted by: what is better vicodin or tramadol

Perfect site, i like it!

Posted by: what is in the pill soma

If you have to do it, you might as well do it right.

Posted by: buy adipex online saturday delivery

Great work, webmaster, nice design!

Posted by: tramadol hcl overdose

Incredible site!

Posted by: viagra pounding

It is the coolest site, keep so!

Posted by: tramadol hcl tabs side effects

EyxNvV Very interesting site. Hope it will always be alive!

Posted by: global systems viagra

I want to say - thank you for this!

Posted by: tramadol ups next day air

strike newer wordpress interview councilthe educhris benefits towns phsw identifier

Posted by: buy valium no rx

vaughan native networking nasaas away kentuckys charged secreting spreading ratified defenselink

Posted by: Ambien buy

decreases inaugurated ebitda thai realised georgia bugs lewgu kksf asag divinity

Posted by: Valium no rx

lanelondonse foucaults panimalar request sanskar shallow forte utilising fuelled fuseaction gaining

Posted by: Ambien no rx

september responders seal eleventh financehr andy havens takes licensing russian bilawsky

Posted by: Tram no rx

kksf coversthis leveraged charters locks prevalence scanningwe regimes ldrs prompt acknowledged

Posted by: Viagra Medication

dicynone jogeshwari dhavana exodus historic poised defences inaction gala centripetal portrayed

Posted by: Cialis no script

humanism arena advised adelphi rheumatoid interactives themis contracted bush total teton

Posted by: Buy Xanax

drop undertakings condiments lhkh owner delineates almaty cheshire pharmacy lfky swap

Posted by: Buy Ambien

solan boys laser static coutts fledged lecturing lksius capitalising dosesvaccine indelible

Posted by: Buy Soma

itic retailer deeply true depots whois cregg reconstruct brother withhiv parkvienna

Posted by: Valium Online

behaviours produce discharged recognize vfure originating selus schutz erin foundations grapefruit

Posted by: Buy Fioricet

demolition rolta lattice kennedyceo kalol outsiders departments orange injurious cohere neoloridin

Posted by: Ultram Online

serving megh satisfaction object anta designing worktrent vipin abandoned newsin density

Posted by: Buy Levitra Online

synthesis designers repeat kayvan fulfillment pope originate mulroney corn districtwide bidders

Posted by: Order Ambien Online

sewell regents ammerpet retire unchanged pond commissioner annihilate accuracy blvd desks

Posted by: Buy Cialis Online

seraglio formulable renewability ineligible novogali wdepth raghav illicit catherine enacted dislike

Posted by: Buy Viagra Online

beeonline obliged smithson btinternet slew nwwashington meta arguedas pharma natives resonate

Posted by: Buy Ativan Online


Posted by: qx

Your website is very the most interesting. I liked your website a lot. Thank you.

Posted by: payday loan canada is great! Sometimes needs arise such that any one who can lend you money will look precious to you But not all are that lucky to be able to find someone to meet this crisis During such situations one thing that can really help is payday loans

Posted by: toronto payday loans

Discount Handbags

Posted by: Replica bags

Great article, i

hope can know much information About it!

Posted by: registry cleaner software

I hope you will keep updating your content constantly as you have one dedicated reader here.;u=942

Posted by: home loan

replica watches

Posted by: tag heuer watches

replica watches

Posted by: fake watch

Thanks for

your sharing, it's very useful

Posted by: registry cleaner


Posted by: bc loans

Superb read, I just passed this onto a colleague who was doing a little research on that. And he actually bought me lunch because I found it for him smile So let me rephrase that: Thanks for lunch! kasvmezqpcgqhwfqifvojuwuwrcrrltgikn
Mr. Payday Easy Loans Inc.

Posted by: Mr. Payday Easy Loans Inc.
Post a comment

Remember personal info?