May 06, 2005

In the age of the remix, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for a radio edit of The World.

You know radio edits: they take swear-word laden rap singles and replace the offensive words with generic proxies (Juvenile's "Back That Ass Up" becomes "Back That Thang Up," it turns out Luda has "pros" in different area codes, not "ho's") or, failing that, just little blips of silence. Only Missy really has any fun with them: If you got a big (elephant noise), let me search it" on "Work It".

Not entirely unreasonable, then, that I should get to strap on my headphones and get a clean-for-radio version of the people talking around me in the park. Only I'm not your average radio listener. Here are the things I am offended by:

- quoting Family Guy back and forth

- quoting Napoleon Dynamite back and forth

- coversations that go, "Have you seen (movie title)?" "No. Have you heard (band name)?"

- verbal static: "I don't know," "I'm sorry," "like," "uhm." You do know. You're not sorry.

- cell phone conversations which make me suspect the person making the call only has a mean boss so they can call somebody to detail how mean their boss is in excruciating detail

- acting students talking about only things acting students could care about at a volume which presumes other people might care, too

- anything being described as a guilty pleasure, any TV show qualified as "something my roommate was watching" to exonerate the speaker from charges that they might have the same tastes as that ghastly unspeakable mass known as the rest of America

- anyone expressing typical, safe disdain for fast food, SUVs, the South, because a nuanced viewpoint could never hope to brand the speaker quite as quickly as a right-thinking person and a real seeker of truth

- anyone describing anything as the new anything or the next anything

I would like these things to be dubbed over and replaced with elephant screeches, bits of silence, and the words "fuck," "ho," and "glock." And I'm not excluding myself: it might be better if every time I opened my trap to send down an Opinion from Mt. Genius, what came out was in fact Missy Elliot rapping backwards.

Speaking of which, have you guys heard "On and On?" Sick! (right click/save as)

And as promised, here's Stilettos (Pumps) by Crime Mob, the song that got me through the rest of my Simpsons pages when the coffee wore off, and is also a crunk song featuring girls rapping about their shoes as though they were guns they were toting. Fucking awesome. I urge you to listen.

Posted by DC at May 6, 2005 03:18 AM

I used to believe that marriage would diminish me, reduce my options. That you had to be someone less to live with someone else when, of course, you have to be someone more.

Posted by: premature ejaculation

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Posted by: Bank online with Chase
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