October 30, 2003
I'm tired as capital ass but I wanted to tell you the story of the Marathon Maker-Outers of One Fifth Avenue.
Okay, so tonight I was walking home from a mass table read of sketches for the next Hammerkatz show. I was happy because a sketch I thought was mediocre at best went over like gangbusters, and I was cold because it was windy and I was characteristically underdressed. Emilie calls, and soon I'm on my way to get falafel with her and her roommate. I walk along the northern edge of the park, and on the last corner of Fifth Avenue, in the shadow scaffold-girded Washington Square arch, are two old people making the fuck out. They are going to town, and bringing gallons of each other's spit for good measure. Okay, so they weren't that old. Late forties. Early fifties. But old enough that I contemplated suggesting aloud that they get a room using their AARP discount.
I start to feel sick, not naueous, simply gross, on the way to Mamoun's but I end up getting falafel anyway, because anybody who knows anything knows fried chickpeas cure stomach bugs. Emilie and I watch my old estranged friend TV in the lobby of her dorm. She's cold-sick, I'm stomach-sick, we're neither of us feeling too well and I'm tired, so I leave.
I walk around the park. I look at the Empire State Building, like I do, I watch the shadows of drug dealers dart in and out of corners near the rowhouses where law students stay, like I do. I get to Fifth. And they are still going at it.
It is a melee. There's that awkward shifting moment where you're changing whose head is slanted where, and their middle-aged tongues are still flying all the while. They have been doing this, in that spot, through the time it takes me to eat a falafel, and watch "South Park" and "Kid Notorious" and bid my best New York friend good evening, that is to say, an hour and change. They were probably doing it before I walked up and for all I know, an hour later, they might still be shamelessly flaunting their flickering distinguished-touch-of-grey libidos, disgusting dealers and taxi drivers and sick college students full of falafel and anyone else who passes by.
It's like, someone is clearly cheating on their longtime spouse here, but that doesn't mean you can't go inside to do it. It's cold, you silly old people. It's really cold.
That dark blurry sole-evidence-of-Bigfoot quality pictures is the legendary Marathon Maker-Outers themselves. How could I not? It is the duty of man with the camera to unflinchingly record atrocity. Like that guy in the Vietnam War, who took that picture of old people making out for a long time.
Shout out to Allison, who is going to be a sexy abortionist for Halloween.
Updated: New, brighter picture.
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