August 07, 2003

At age eighteen I will have an address that ends Fifth Ave., and that's not a Fifth Avenue that intersects a dirt road with no stoplight, or the one in lifeless downtown Phoenix, that's THE Fifth Avenue, like the one that runs through the Heart of the Universe, East Coast Edition.

People keep asking me if I'm excited. It's interesting, some ask, "Are you excited?" and some ask "Are you scared?" Yes, I say to the first group. No, I say to the second, my eyes looking whichever way they look when I'm half-lying.

Half-lying, because I'm not scared. Having a departure date (Aug. 23rd) gives it a depressing tinge of finality, though. A girl said something to me the other night that put it into perfect perspective, when I told her the date: "You're not supposed to actually leave." I know. But part of being the kid who's going to leave is actually, uhm, leaving. You, girl who said that, will only be missing one friend. I'll be missing twenty, easy.

I know I'm not allowed to be sad. First because I don't allow myself to be sad, period, ever. I'm on that Repress Your Emotions For Fun and Profit plan you sometimes see advertised on late night TV. Second because, like I said, fucking FIFTH AVENUE. Constant adventure in Metropolis. Gotham. I signed up for the dream and the dream came true.

I have loved this life, though. These past four years have been nothing but constant joy, when I was a goofy fat kid and when I was a goofy skinny kid. But I can't see the next four years being anything but wonderful, a different, maybe more potent kind.

And I wonder, in my way, the way that thinks being too happy is asking for disaster, are you allowed to love one life, leave it, and be just as enamored with your next one? It seems unfair to everyone else. Like I'm not being punished enough.

Then I look at my friends, and think, Oh...right. Leaving them is the punishment I was looking for.

Sorry to write about this so much and so solemnly. It's just all I'm thinking about right now.


My roommate's name is Justo, from Freeport, NY. We talked today. He's already at NYU for the Summer Session, studying for a major in biology. We came to the collective conclusion that we won't need a TV, because according to him there is always something to do, like poker at three AM in some guy's room. We had signed up for a triple room but lucked into just the two of us with more space and an extra bed.

Mark Twain used to live in my dorm. Not when it was a dorm, obviously, although I like the idea of Mark Twain in a crisp white suit passed out on somebody's crappy couch underneath a Dave Matthews Band poster.

Fifth Avenue, man. All emo-ness aside, it is SO fucking on.

Posted by DC at August 7, 2003 03:35 AM
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