March 08, 2003

Hi, I'm a balding, mustachioed man on the wrong end of fifty-five. My life hasn't worked out the way I wanted it to (note the fact that my wife has more wrinkles than a whole box of Sun-Maid Raisins and my shirt is fucking retarded) and as such I feel it's my privilege, hell, even my duty to belittle and verbally abuse the bag-boy at my local grocery store. Man, I can't wait for him to bag my produce in the bag in the wrong order (Oranges first, THEN apples! I mean, come ON!) so I can berate him. In fact, I'm going to phrase all my special bagging requests in the form of an exasperated disappointment, as if he should have known my particular bagging preferences at birth. And then, get this: I'm going to further put him down when he attempts to accomodate my aggresively-stated whims! HA! That'll teach him who's boss.

My intent is to leave him trembling with barely contained rage, his head full of images of smashing my stupid pumpkin pie, profaning my bananas and running me down in the parking lot with his truck. Certainly that will make up for my shitty childhood and less-than-satisfactory adult life. I can't wait for when he says "Have a nice day!" like the company he works for requires him to, even to the most loutish and undeserving of puckered-anus-faced customers! Oh, and here's the best part: when my rumpled burlap sack of a spouse and I head for the exit, I'm going to glance over my shoulder and scowl at him just long enough to catch him mouthing expletives to the cashier, who no doubt sympathizes with his anti-cranky-old-people sentiment. But who cares what he thinks? I'm a nearly retirement-age upper-middle-class male! I've earned the right to deride everyone who doesn't meet with my impossible standards, because apparently I've lost the right to a natural erection.

So have a nice day! At least one fewer person will be, thanks to me!

Posted by DC at March 8, 2003 02:28 PM
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