April 02, 2003

One thing they oughta have is significant-other detox.

Get in a bad breakup and can't get that girl out of your head? Wouldn't you like it if you could go to a pleasantly furnished, sterile environment, pay a small fee, and they'd lock you in a room for, oh, I don't know, a week or so. It would be awful, of course, those initial hours. I don't know how withdrawl came to be known as "cold turkey," because I love cold turkey, but no one would love this. There'd be crying, of course, but you'd be all alone so you wouldn't mind letting it out. Then every eight hours or so nurses would come by and give you drugs, and surprisingly good food, and say nice things about your hair and how sexy you look, so you'd think there was a future beyond that significant other, maybe even with these nurses. Then after 48 hours, you'd pee into a cup, and they'd put in a couple of drops of blue liquid, swirl it around, and if it turned, I don't know, let's say puce (the official color of heartbreak), they'd say, see you in another 48. But if it turned clear, they'd know she was out of your system. You wouldn't know what was in those drugs, but really, would you care? Then they'd send you back into the world, ten pounds lighter just for having dropped off all that emotional baggage. Ready to get your game on.

I'm not saying they'd make you forget. I'm just saying they'd take all the hurt out of remembering.

Hot nurses are a plus, too.


Another thing that they need, well, it's not really something that you could invent. It's more something they missed out on adding when they, whoever they are, were building the universe and putting humanity into it. When we spit words into the air, they shouldn't just hit the ears of whoever and whatever's in listening range and then be dead to the rest of the world. Bad move, universe-creators. All spoken word, however trivial, should float up and get trapped, like a helium balloon in your living room. Every ceiling ever built should be covered thin invisible layer of every syllable ever uttered under it. Then before you moved you'd pay guys to come in and vaccuum them off, run them through a decompressor in their van and burn them to a CD. None of us would want our own CDs, though. I think, numero uno, half the things I said would be painfully dumb in retrospect, and two, I hate hearing my recorded voice, I think I sound like a bumbling cartoon walrus. But we'd also get to hear everything ever said under that roof before we lived there. Instant history.

Oh, and we might want to put a net around the Earth, since some of history's greatest lines were uttered outdoors, like the Gettysburg Address, or most of what Jesus said, Buddha as well, probably, and on a more personal note, maybe your dad asking your mom to marry him on a hillside where they'd set up a picnic back in Spring 1978. People bitch about recycling but no one bothers to think of all the auditory gold we send drifting off into space.

Aliens have probably figured out how to do this already, and they're sitting on the dark side of Pluto with headphones on, giggling at the fact that we can't even stick to the rules of grammar we all agreed on.

They're also wondering who this "DC Pierson" character is all the female voices of Earth keep speaking about in such reverent tones.

Right here, guys.

Posted by DC at April 2, 2003 12:00 AM
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