April 14, 2003

There are times in my life where I say do this or you'll regret it.

And always when that something involves a stage and hot lights and a crowded auditorium, I do it, and I do it pretty well, so they keep asking me to do it again.

And usually when that something involves a girl, I let opportunity slip right through my fingers and consign myself to another lonely evening.

And this weekend, both opportunities swam by and I didn't just seize them, I grabbed them by their tails and swung them 'round my head and flung them off into the next county and watched the dust clouds of their impact drift over the horizon seconds later.

This weekend was the musical, How To Succeed.... The last mainstage production of my Senior year, meaning my last chance to fill that auditorium with my voice, the voice I hate so much when it's coming out of my big ol' skull in social situations but I for some reason love to hear echoing back pretending to be someone it's not. It wasn't last time I'll act, or even the last time I'll act at MPHS (there's still the senior show, which will go up in the much smaller Drama Room), but, as unimportant as it seems to the uninitiated, it was the last time I'll act beneath that proscenium, on those hallowed planks repainted black so many times.

There are things you do over and over knowing there'll be a time you never get to do them again. But the knowledge doesn't make it any easier when that time comes.

So I said Let's not think about it. And I tried not to. But it was like a conversation with a terminally ill guy where you're trying to pretend everything's normal and just the way it was. Only with more singing and dancing and stuff.

I'm coming off morose, but I'm not. I loved every glorious second of this show, every rehearsal, every show night, every wonderful scene made me remember just how lucky I was to be here, every time the lights went out and they pulled me on my rolling platform offstage I giggled with glee because it was just so damn much fun.

I could feel history rushing around me. Not history, George-Washington-cherry-tree history. My history. A thousand joyous moments rushing around me, reconvening as I realized the factory where those memories were produced was shutting its doors, boarding up its windows. Well, not really. I was just being transferred out of the factory. Time to go to another town and build a new one. The smokestacks will keep puffing, God bless 'em. There's a picture of me up on the wall somewhere in there. Promise you won't forget, because I won't.

It was very sad. I won't lie to you.


That other opportunity. The time when I usually say nothing at all, this time I said "You wanna?" and she said "I'd love to" and it was great.

Her smile kills me. Somebody file a police report. Fit me for a toe tag. I'm dead.

Asking is better than not asking. Teachers are always say they'll never punish you for asking a question. Two girls in the past month or so have seemed to live by that same philosophy. Remind me of this sometime.


I apologize for the incoherence, I used up all my cogent sentences on this Ayn Rand essay I finished only a third of, which has to be postmarked on Tuesday. Like my taxes, which I have finished but still have to send.

Ty says it better than I did anyway.

Posted by DC at April 14, 2003 01:50 AM
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